IN JARS OF TEARS

In Jars of Tears-

You have taken note of my journey through life,
caught each of my tears in Your bottle.... Psalm 56:8(a)

Sometimes I wonder, do my tears really get collected? Does Papa really save them all? And does He have a different Jar for each type of tear, tears of hurt, tears of stress, tears of conviction, tears of joy, my tears when I am overwhelmed or when I am worshiping Him? Or the tears that fall when I don't even know the reason I am crying? Ever since I have allowed myself to feel, I cry a lot, almost everyday, some days it is buckets, sometimes the tears just fall like a gentle soothing rain, and other times I am sobbing.

Today is one of those days- Heart wrenching convicting tears. I learned a hard thing about myself... This week I have learned the extent of my trust... and it seems that it is non existent when it comes to friendships/relationships. Right now I feel like I am free falling and completely out of control. I don't like the fact that I need someone and in the same breath I really want someone. The words “I made you for connection” ringing in my ears- I am trying not to hate myself for it. But that is hard. I have people saying that I can do hard things... But I don't think I can do this... Jesus please help me. My heart is gripped with fear inside me. Jesus where are you? I am tired of trusting in my own abilities... But I find it so hard to give it to Him... How is it that I can trust Him with so much but not this? What happens when I decide to trust Him? I don't know... I just know that I have to. And just that thought alone makes me come undone. I have been sitting here crying for hours... My jars must be almost full. Because I know that when I say “I surrender all” it means this as well. And everything in me is fighting it.

All to Jesus I surrender... All to Him I freely??? Give... It is a fight – I don't think we know how to give freely into our Father... But Papa I do surrender all to you! I am exhausted the fight in me is gone... And peace has taken it's place.

As I sit here with my head in my Father's lap... He holds me... I feel His hand on my head.. He knows it is hard, But He will never leave me. He will never forsake me. I have peace.. It will be an everyday struggle for a while. But as time goes on... I know it will get easier.

Now as I look through my jars of tears... I think the ones I have cried the most... are the places in my life where I needed to be broken,,, So that HE could re-shape me.

AWAKE MY HEART

A Heart Awake…

A while back I prayed God “what am I”, “who am I”. and “What and who are You”?  I had been struggling with my emotions. I guess that is what happens when you are 90% sanguine.  I was led to read the book of Proverbs and I learned much about “Wisdom” it was something I truly wanted to learn, although others wouldn’t say I was reacting out of my emotions I was tired of wanting to. Every day I would read one chapter and I would write down a minimal of one verse. I was kind of sad when I had finished. As I love learning and putting that into practice.

I asked God what was next.  I struggled with the whole thing of being beautiful, And Days like today… found me wondering, will I ever hear those words. Words that every woman wants to hear a man say to her “You are beautiful” and not just from anyone, but from someone who cares deeply, lately I have started to feel otherwise. In a crowded room, I feel invisible… not beautiful… I know I am smart and I come across as confident – at least “my public face” … but I also want to hear those words, “You are beautiful” and more than anything I want to know that they are true.

God directed me to the “Song of Solomon” talk about having desire awakened in me. WOW. But in all of that “He told me I was “beautiful”, and He called me “darling” – “How beautiful you are my darling, beautiful beyond words”- “your voice is pleasant and your face is lovely” – “Your eyes are like doves” - “Your lips are like scarlet ribbon your mouth is inviting” I learned of “Beauty, Sensuality and what being Sexy looks like… I loved and embraced it.

Today He directed me to read the book of “Acts” to learn about “Power” and as He showed me the path that He was taking me on -  God rendered me speechless. He knows that is not easily accomplished LOL - When He revealed to me the lethal combination of “Wisdom, Beauty, and Power” All in and through Him… It gave new meaning to the Acts 17:28 “For in Him we live and move and have our being! Wow it sent shivers down my spine. I was completely unable to utter a word.  And I just sat there and smiled at Him, with “lips like a scarlet ribbon and so inviting” as He says. With wonder, amazement and tears of joy, rolling down my cheeks. 

Daddy Teach Me How to Dance Again.

  

Every child wants to dance with their Daddy…

I prayed “Daddy teach me how to dance again” I closed my eyes and saw this picture of a child being picked up in her Father’s arms, as she was still learning to walk and was constantly falling when she tried to dance, her eyes are closed and her trust in Him complete. He lifted her high, He twirled her around, making her laugh in pure delight. It brought Him so much pleasure so see her this way, completely one with Him. Then as she grew and wanted to dance on the floor she starts by clumsily stepping on her daddy’s feet, never letting go of His hands and always allowing Him to lead.

There are so many things that seem to distract us from our true life dance partner, dancing to beat of our own drum or the even the drum of someone else.  We use phrases like “Life happened” or “Life got in the way” or “I just wanted to have some fun” and most commonly used lately “I deserve to be happy” and when we pursue what we call life we let go of the One who taught us how to dance in the first place.  That is what happens when we stop listening to the music! We try to take the lead and get lost,

When we walk with someone, there isn’t much interaction. You walk side by side maybe hand in hand, maybe in deep conversation. But when you are dancing, you are moving together, synchronized and balanced creating a harmony so beautiful unlike any you have ever experienced. Our relationship with God needs to be more of a dance than a walk. Following His lead… sometimes a slow dance, and sometimes a salsa. He moves, we move,  He steps, we step, Dancing requires us to trust our dancing partner..  and in a giving and receiving relationship it creates a life dance that leads others to see His glory, I want to dance again…and not just move to my own music but to His.  I want others to see His glory in the way I live, the way I love and the way I step

Life is a beautiful dance,

Sometimes we take a misstep,

But we can always find “His” feet again

Don't Try To Fix Me - You Aren't God...

Don’t try to fix me- you aren’t God

He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

There are times and people in our lives, where pain has come from, they so much want to make things right, to restore the damaged that they have done, I know I was one of those people. The initial pain that I caused didn’t come close to the pain that I caused trying to restore the heart…

The worst part of this all was the angst that we feel during this time, the tears that we cry. The turmoil we feel to the depths of our souls… knowing we have hurt someone and made them feel unsafe, we feel this desperate need to make things right. So we run ahead of the Holy Spirit and seemingly make a bigger mess of things than they were. Or we try to be a band-aide just because then things are right in our world again. I have been on both sides of this. And I remember saying “don’t try to fix me” I am not broken. I am hurt. Please let me heal.

But it hurts so much to know that we can’t undo the pain that we have caused. Finally I said I am sorry please forgive me and let go. I don’t know if my friendship will ever be restored, I am leaving all of that in the hands of my Papa. I do know that I was blessed with an amazing friendship... And for that I will forever be grateful!

Father You are the restorer of our hearts. You are healer.

Please bind up the wounds that we have caused.

Heal the places where we can never reach

I DON'T TRUST YOU!

Trust Me (the Lord) with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding…. Proverbs 3:5

It is amazing how I have always said, “well God has never let me down yet so I know I can trust Him”, the other day it came to me, I was praying and this question came "What if God doesn’t answer the way I want Him to?” It was like this light came on in me “well then I will just have to do it myself” It was at that moment, I realized my lack of trust and I said the words out loud and in tears “God I don’t trust You - I want to but I don’t”… I was horrified at the thought. And yet it was the most honest thing I could have said – the first step to building trust in any relationship is honesty. I saw the places where I tried to manipulate God into answering prayers the way I wanted them answered. The places where I stepped ahead of Him, and tried to do things my way. (it never worked out in the end) And I thought wow I am such a schmuck… God smiled.

I prayed this song back in December. And it sounds wonderful but when I got to the edge of my borders, I realized how safe my borders feel to me. Without borders, really is it possible to trust God that much? Do I really know what it might take to trust without borders? Am I ready for that journey? Slowly I am allowing the spirit to lead me where my trust in Him is being tested. He is faithful. Every day is a small step. Sometimes it is a step forward and sometimes a step backwards… but as the days pass I am learning to trust. Not to make decisions based on emotion but out of wisdom and understanding. It isn't easy... Opening up my borders... Trusting God beyond my comfort zones.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. 

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

Oh, Jesus, You’re my God

I will call upon Your name

Keep my eyes above the waves

My soul will rest in Your embrace

I am Yours and You are mine. - Hillsong

TAKE OFF YOUR TARP- YOUR ROOF IS WORTH FIXING

Wisdom and good judgment live together, for wisdom knows where to discover knowledge and understanding. Proverbs 8:12

So… about the tarp… You own a house, over time the roof gets damaged. Instead of fixing it right you throw a tarp on it to keep the rain out. Maybe you change it every three – 6 months depending on the weather. You discard the old and replace it when a storm comes and blows the old one off as it exposes the damage. Or when the sun shines you don’t need it.

Your HEART is the ROOF, when it was damaged, early on you learned to cover the damage using women/men, and whatever validates you as a tarp. You went through life got married, the storms came and went. The roof held up ok for a while. But after a while… the damage to the roof needed to be repaired but that was a lot of work and the cost seemed too great so you covered it. You met someone and had an affair. The first tarp in your marriage that was personalized. You not only had to cover the wound, you also had to hide the sin, You felt guilt and shame, so you removed that tarp and discarded it, hurting someone in the process. You covered up your roof with a different tarp, work, busyness, trips and material things… hoping that would be enough to make the guilt and shame go away. So it seems the sun is shining. And you no longer need a tarp. Then a storm hits, this time accompanied by a tornado… your spouse has an affair, your marriage is falling apart, and you start desperately searching for a new tarp. And you look everywhere. You like to learn, and think that reading books will help you, a different kind of tarp but a tarp none the less. You pursue God using Him as a tarp as well. Then you meet a group of people, and get close to some of them, you have people and leadership skills and in your pain you reach out and it feels good to help/counsel others and you use them as a tarp, and once again the damage is hidden. All of a sudden you realize your tarp is too flimsy, you want one that has more substance more connection, stronger, deeper. You take the flimsy tarp off and throw it away. Hurting yourself and others in the process. The stronger tarp though. Well wow, that tarp stays for almost 6 months. The tarp gets comfortable, it feels safe. Initially it is refreshing... But as time goes on the weight of this tarp starts to get to be too much, it is weighing down on the festering damage of your roof. You lift the edge of the tarp. But the tarp is stuck, stuck to your wounds, stuck to you. Then a tsunami hits, you lose your job. And with that the tarp gets yanked right off and once again discarded, but not completely, you fold it up and put it away. Your next tarp? Exercise, Alcohol, pornography, more busyness, shopping? You have a new job, meet another special woman someone who is using you as their tarp… and you are using them …another bright and shiny new tarp. And so the cycle continues.

If you don’t transform, your suffering will transmit it – Richard Rohr

Taking off our tarps and fixing the damage comes with a cost. The cost of revisiting pain, of choosing not a tarp but an Almighty construction crew, “Father, Son and Holy Spirit”. Wanting a tarp so desperately at times because the pain just seems too much. But the more times we choose our Almighty construction crew, the more we see the actual cost of the tarp, we see that a Tarp is actually a short term -T-oxic, A-cid, R-elief P-rogram. And not a permanent repair. And the cost of each TARP becomes greater than the last.

God can heal a broken heart… but He has to have all the pieces - Anonymous

My prayer is this - that you have the courage to remove your tarps, “Your Roof is Worth Fixing”. The Almighty Construction Crew is waiting… and the price of the repair has already been paid.

Longings - The Third Layer

The Third Layer

Ask and it will be given to you....

I asked God to give me the courage to be unveiled. The first layer just an onion skin, revealed an abyss of “Sadness and Fear”.

The second layer revealed a depth of “Shame” that I had never encountered before.

But I want to talk about the third layer: Seems harder than the first two.

The third layer revealed “Longings and Desires”

My greatest longing at this time in my life. To play :)

Revelation 3:20, “Behold He stands at the door and knock” it is always said in such an ominous tone. Right now I hear Jesus knocking and asking “won't you come and play with me”? I am a child after all. His child. The sad thing for me is I am not sure I know how to articulate that. But I know the desire is there. I can remember playing with my own dad, camping, singing, going for walks, travelling, playing Frisbee. I loved to play catch with a Frisbee when I was a kid, and I was good at it. I loved and still love to laugh. But somehow between the pain, the sadness, and fear, the shame, the anger, I seemed to have lost that. Play seems to have been perverted... somehow satan has set us on a course of confusion of what play looks like. It is like no matter what I do... and it is fun at the time. I sense a shame of enjoying myself. And I know that, that isn't God. He had fun. He knows what He likes to do for fun.

I have watched little children and their imagination. It is amazing what the purity of a child's imagination can come up with. If we as adults came up with some of those things, we would be told that, that's child's play, precisely. We are still children, so why are we acting all growed up all the time. When I read the lyrics of this song I envision God and a little girl, walking through the woods, holding hands, talking and laughing. Watching butterflies, and smelling flowers, catching frogs, throwing rocks in a pond, sitting and playing on a log. And as they walk along God hoists her over obstacles that are too high for her climb over on her own. She is happy... the only things she cares about is that she is there, and her Fathers heart is just for her...

“My God and I walk in the fields together,

We walk and talk and just as good friends do

We clasp our hands, our voices fill with laughter

My God and I walk through the meadows hue....”

And then I envision me, my age, skipping along the railway tracks, dancing and singing, with my God. Walking laughing and still finding delight in the butterflies, and wild flowers, the frogs, and the ponds, and God is still hoisting me over the obstacles of life, the stuff that is too hard, to high to climb over. Making sure I learn to keep playing. The tears are rolling down my cheeks, as I learn to enjoy and “know” that my Fathers heart is just for me.

UNVEILED

“UNVEILED”

“I am the Lord, that is My name. And I will not give my glory to another” Isaiah 42:8

Last week, I allowed the enemy to wreak havoc with my heart and mind, the verses from

Psalm 73: 21-24 comes to mind, My heart was grieved, and I was vexed in my mind, I was so foolish and ignorant, I was like a beast before You, Nevertheless, I am continually with You, You hold me by my right hand, You guide me with Your counsel...

I wish I wasn't so vulnerable to the attack of the enemy

I was reminded that we are created in the image of God, and we have a glorious God... I know it might be hard to wrap your head around, it is for me. But I was told Martha.. you ARE the Glory of God....

We try so hard to be what and who we think God wants us to be. Instead of just being, we clothe ourselves in different character traits, because that might make a more godly woman/man, and when that doesn't work, we try something else, we work out, we eat healthy - because after all our bodies are the temple of God. (And I do agree with being healthy) We suck it up when something bad happens, we act strong, we don't swear, we do this and don't do that... and slowly but surely layer after layer, the Glory of God is hidden away under all that we think we need to be. He sees us pretending to worship, praising through the storms, when even David accused, ranted and raved at God. David a man after God's own heart was so engaged in his own life that struggling with God was an everyday occurrence. And yet when we struggle we think we are weak, the enemy completely and totally loves this and convinces us not just how we are not measuring up to who and what God wants us to be, but also cheers when we are too afraid to live in God's design. You see God is all about His Glory... He will not give it to another. That means He is all about me, all about you.

So as for me and my house... The unveiling of the Glory of God is a happening thing. Scary and so freeing, what a journey. But I want to be unveiled. No pretense in anyway or anything... just completely naked and completely unveiled... To be what God sees.

So I asked God to peel back the first layer... He did...and all I could see was an abyss filled with sadness and fear. And all I could do was cry. It was like He peeled back death and life combined. And it hurt. But I want it. After all it is what is going to change me. Not re layering but allowing God to reveal and change my heart.

Dear Papa,

Dear Papa, 

I don't know where to start today...

Your love for me.. Although it often surprises me.

It never ceases to amaze me.

Today I cried, because I knew you had laid me on the heart of someone else

I felt You answering their prayer for me. Oh that You love me this deeply.

How You can see the good in me that I can not seem to find.

I love that since I have given up protecting myself,

How much more I can see, and feel Your protection in every area of my life.

I love how You give me days of sunshine, days of rain, fog and even the storms.

I love how You give me the privilege of feeling Your feelings when it comes to others.

Papa, I love the way you hold me.

I love Your eyes, when they look at me, I feel so deeply loved.

Your love is like nothing that can be described,

I absolutely love the fact that You are a part of my DNA,

I love when my eyes are open and I can see You delight in Your creation.

I love the way You made me, to love music, to dance, to love flowers, 

long walks, and wild adventures.

Red wine, Whiskey, and coffee,

Thank You for my love of reading, and learning.

I love when I put my head on Your lap, that I can feel Your hand on my head.

I love that You walk with me, no matter where I go.

I marvel at Your creation, how You made all time, and every season,

How You make it rain, and things grow.

I stand in awe that You smile at some of my acts of stupidity,

Like I do at the children You have blessed me with.

And I love how much You love them.

I love how You make me laugh, and I love to hear Your laughter

I love the things, events, and season of my life that You choose to use to help me grow.

I love that when I fall off the “wagon” You leave me there for a while, but not for very long,

How when I lose sight of myself, You are still right there.

Thank You for every tear that I have had the honor of crying,

For every breath that I have had the privilege of breathing,

For every time I wake up in the morning,

I love how You love TODAY, because yesterday is

already gone, wrapped in grace!

Papa I love you!

LOOKING IN THE MIRROR

Looking in the Mirror-Learning to See

You are hidden with Christ in God, and God is your life" (Colossians 3:3-4).

When I look in the mirror in the bathroom, I see the imperfections of me. When I look at my heart with my own eyes – All I see is my bad choices, stains of sin, regrets of the past, and dirt.

This last week has been a challenge –

I went to a counselling appointment and my counselor really challenged me, We were talking about design and how the world has de-personified the difference between men and women...  Opposed to what it should look like.  I said "I am a very passionate person" and he said Say it ... Give meaning to it Martha - that which is so hard for you to say. So I said "I am a very passionate woman" and then I fell apart... I know what it means to be female "insert here" but I am struggling with what it means to be a woman to live and love by Gods design.

Not the passionate part, but the part of being a woman... Strangely when I thought of myself as a woman - I didn't think of beauty or intelligence or sensuality, but of weakness...

I am learning to look at myself and others with the eyes of God. When I see God and I connect with Him... I see me. Because I am hidden with Christ in God. I see a beautiful, strong, sensual, smart, resolved, compassionate, courageous, adventurous, spontaneous, kind, giving, creative, strong willed, fiercely loyal, beautifully vulnerable, passionate, smart, sexy, fun, carefree, respectful, hard working, focused, driven, positive, content, crazy spicy woman.

When I look in the mirror I realize that my beauty doesn't lie just in what I look like but in the sum of who I am - and I am “Hidden with Christ in God...”

Allow Papa, Father God, to be your mirror. He sees you as you are. Not as you see yourself.

Love Always Protects

“God does – who God is: LOVE”

The love of God is greater far

Than tongue or pen can ever tell;

It goes beyond the highest star,

And reaches to the lowest hell...

Oh, love of God, how rich and pure!

How measureless and strong...

- Frederick Martin Lehman

This morning, I sit here tears streaming down my face. All my life I have been strong, I know how and what to do to “make” it. I have built up walls to protect my heart. I know that as long as my walls are in place “it” won't hurt.. as much that is.

I belong to an amazing group of women – Our motto is “Love always protects” but that is not the reason that I am writing this... We get together every Thursday night. Yesterday was a great day... I hadn't shed too many tears... only a few of pure joy :) God has a way that completely changes that -we were asked to choose a small slip of paper and on each piece there was a part of 1 Corinthians 13, I prayed that I would get the one that God wanted me to have. Thinking I would get one that might convict me. But nope God had an entirely different idea in mind. “Love always protects”

I think I love the conviction of God... because it means that I have to do something to change... and I am very good at “doing” But when I got my slip of paper, I put it on my knee and immediately felt Holy Spirit moving. And in an instant the tears started. I knew what Papa was saying to me “I love you my daughter” Aren't you tired of protecting yourself? Why don't you let me do that for you. I can't promise that you won't ever hurt again, but I can promise that I will be there when you do. Papa doesn't want me to “do” He wants me to “Be” For the past year I have heard him say “be still - let Me love you”

When trust is broken it is so hard to even know what love looks like. I know what I want it to look like. But it is so much more, so much deeper and much more encompassing than anything I can ever fathom. Every day as I choose to let Papa love me, through my children, through my friends, and even complete strangers. I still ask the question "am I able to trust that love"? And yet every day and very gently Papa shows me that I can. My walls are coming down, because although they help me protect myself from pain, they also don't allow others close enough to love me. And that is a very lonely place to be.

No matter where you are in your journey, in what chapter of your story you are in. You are deeply loved. I know that you have been hurt, I know that you have made choices that you think He will not be able to forgive. I know that trusting the love of God is a hard choice. But He does love you. Be still allow His love to consume, to protect, and overwhelm you.

INVISIBLE

INVISIBLE

One of the deepest pains, confusing feelings, and false sense of safety comes from feeling “Invisible-not being seen” When I think about this I cry... It hurts.

Being married for 25 years, and always longing to be seen. Yet completely invisible to the person who said “I love you” and had promised to “Love” me for the rest of my life. Isn't “seeing” me a part of loving me? Eventually I got used to not being seen and had learned to shut out my dreams, and my deepest desires. I wanted him to look past my words to my heart. To see me. I wanted to be loved when I felt unlovable, when I felt awkward, when I danced like an idiot and laughed at the most inappropriate things. I hated feeling invisible.

To cope with feeling invisible I crawled inside a great love story, either a book or a movie, where “she” was always seen, never invisible.  The pain was too much to face. Hiding was so much easier. I have started reading books that help me work through my pain, my emotions, and instead of hiding I am allowing myself to feel and to be seen by those around me. Exposing my heart.

I borrowed a book from a friend call “Shattered Dreams” by Larry Crabb, a great read. But when I first got the book – I couldn't get past the second page of the introduction. There were several times where I contemplated burning it. But it wasn't mine! It took me two weeks to get past that. Every time I read the words “God wants to Bless us” that meant me... I would just break down and cry, I just couldn't seem to wrap my heart around that. Not just any blessing but because He is my Papa He gives me His highest good. And that is an encounter, a relationship, a friendship with Him... No matter what He will always “see” me. He delights in me. He sees the deepest part of me, the part that I am too afraid to show someone else. And knowing that I am not invisible to my Father makes me lift my hands in praise. Makes me fall to my knees in awe and adoration. Like a child I jump for joy with tears streaming down my face because He has given me the blessing of seeing me, and loving all of me all the time. 

Then I said to myself, “Oh, He even sees me in the dark! Psalm 139:12(a) Msg

Feeling invisible hurts. But Papa sees you. He loves all of you... Let him. When you do, your tears of pain will still be tears – but tears of adoration, of awe and of wonder.

BEING NAKED

Being Naked

Being naked – I don't like my body in particular – But for me it is more than that. It is about the nakedness of my soul. In my nakedness, I am being vulnerable, completely open and revealing my heart and not just the things that are good, but the pain, the shame, and the sin.

My friends know that I love a natural shower out in the rain. I have the privacy to do that. And the freedom is unfathomable. Or finding that sacred – secret waterfall. And stripping everything off and allowing the water to wash over you. Oh there is freedom. And so it is with God's light... there are thoughts of “Oh No what if He sees”? But oh the freedom when we invite Him to see all of us, every part of who we are. Yes God does see all.. but He still wants to be invited. He won't come in uninvited. He stands at the door and knocks, waiting for me to open that door. So...

For the last few weeks I prayed and invited the Holy Spirit to open my deepest wound and penetrate my heart, so that I could and would be healed. I went to counselling today my heart completely open, naked, completely vulnerable and exposed, filled with anxiety and panic and completely resolved. I knew that God was answering my prayer, Even if I didn't feel God there, I told Him I would trust that He was. What I wasn't prepared for was how raw and completely real body memory is, and the physical pain effects it has. That in order to cope I needed an event to attach to it. But healing is a journey, and I wasn't capable of both allowing myself to feel my body memory and link it to an event at the same time. But it did reveal to me how important it is that I make a choice to personalize my pain, to allow it and the people involved in my pain to be real. In depersonalizing my pain, I had depersonalized myself, my God, and other people.

Depersonalizing myelf – Is exactly what the enemy wants, - As I grew up, I always said and thought “I should have been a guy I make a much better guy than a girl”. Evil delights in me being ashamed. Evil finds joy when I am unable to embrace first of all what I am.

“I AM A WOMAN”

In saying all of that... I can't stop smiling, My heart was vulnerable, naked, and completely open, I see my Papa smile and hear His voice... “Daughter you are so delightful. Thank-you for allowing me into your pain, your journey.” Lets keep walking.

So no matter what don't ever tell me “don't take this personally” because I will. I will no longer depersonalize my pain, or yours, I want to walk along side and show you how to embrace it

Broken to be made Whole - Ruined to be Redeemed

Broken to be made Whole – Ruined to be Redeemed

Make me to hear joy and gladness, Let the bones which You have broken rejoice. Psalm 51:8

Sunday Feb 14, - as I sat in church... singing “Holy, Holy Holy, hands outstretched. My inner spirit groaned, and God showed me a picture of a man broken... wanting to be healed and yet holding on. The struggle is so real. Letting go is so hard.

Being broken is crippling.. But it is often during this time that we feel most alive to life. In 2003 I remember taking a course in prayer ministry. During this course I had to be willing to allow God to shine His flashlight around in my heart.. And yet He knew that I wasn't ready for my deepest pain. I still don't feel prepared to face it. The pain of violation of a trust broken. And yet He is using this brokenness to make me whole. Today I feel like I am a broken ruined vase. Something that should hold beauty but is incapable of doing so. I know that God is calling me closer preparing me to face it and I am terrified. Even as I write these words I have feelings of anxiety of what happens if I say the actual words.

But I trust my Papa...in all things or in most things Don't I ? And yet if I say I trust Him why do I not want Him to shine His light in that one dark place. Because Letting go is hard and sometimes I am just not ready.

He led me here and there throughout the valley, and I was amazed to see that the surface of the entire valley was covered with myriads of very dry bones! This is what the Lord GOD says to you dry bones! "Pay attention! I'm bringing my Spirit into you right now, and you're going to live! I will put flesh and muscles on you and cover you with skin. I will put breath into you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.” Ezekiel 37: 2, 5 & 6

I have prayed so much to be made whole. I just didn't know that what I was praying for would lead me on this excruciating and difficult path of healing. I didn't know how much pain there was going to be, to go from being “Ruined to being Redeemed”. People that know me will say this one thing about me “She is not afraid of doing hard things” I was talking to my counselor and told him “I just want to go there get it healed and move on”. He looked at me and said “God won't violate your heart Martha”. What I didn't understand was why it was that I wanted it to be done and over with. And God used him to give me a revelation. “Your heart tells you that people won't stay in your life long enough to have a real relationship with you” And when I realized how true this was, it shattered my heart. And once again I was broken. Broken so that God could answer my prayer to be made whole.

This morning as I sat in my kitchen having coffee with Papa.. I was praying deeply for a friend. And once again the Spirit groaned and the tears flowed. I knew that I was feeling the feelings of God.

I have met so many broken people in my life, some of them have become my closest friends. It amazes me how people who are broken cling to each other and how the smallest victory in a struggle of one is able to encourage the heart of someone else. As I go through various valleys of dry bones and ruins of my life, I have stopped praying that God would give me constant reprieve, My prayer is this -  that God would strengthen the inner most part of who I am, and that I would be filled with ALL the fullness of God. And knowing that as long as I am struggling with God I am passionately engaged in this journey called life.

The Wilderness- Being Unmade

The Wilderness- Being Unmade

“Father God can you hear the prayer I'm sending out tonight

the voice of fear makes things unclear I call on you with all my might,

I haven't done the best I can, please reach down and hold my trembling Hand

Father God”

“The path that truly heals and redeems begins at the point when we realize we want more perspective purpose and passion in life” from Dan B Allender's book “The Healing Path”

“If we run from what we fear or find displeasure, we actually rob our selves of the joy God intends for us to experience as we walk through our past, (not around or over it) play with our future and live now with new passion” from Dan B Allender's book “The Healing Path”

Everyone has their own wilderness and at times in our lives it is imperative that we go there. The place where we can wander and rediscover who we really are. Initially I felt so incredibly lost in my wilderness, but soon it became a place of healing. My wilderness consisted of a few different physical places. Places where I could be what ever I was feeling that day. One of my favourite places in my wilderness were the endless railway tracks starting 10 minutes North West from where I live. I would put in my headphones and just let the music wash over me, and I would walk, dance, run down the tracks. I would laugh, I would hope, I would dream, and I would cry. In this wilderness I was free.  I was being unmade. I needed to be. I discovered so many things about myself there. A place where it was just me. Another place which became a comfort to me is a small bar and grill where friends are in abundant and I got to forget about what I was going through for an evening , where I learned to laugh again, and was always accepted where ever I was at in my journey... and for that I will be forever grateful... Another favourite place was road 432 not really a wilderness. Every Saturday in the early mornings it became my sanctuary... I would park my car... and walk 4 miles one way and 4 miles back... Music pumping..I was able to have a long conversation with Papa, and when I got home... without fail I felt refreshed and rescued.

“And now, here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to start all over again. I’m taking her back out into the wilderness where we had our first date, and I’ll court her.I’ll give her bouquets of roses. I’ll turn Heartbreak Valley into Acres of Hope”. Hosea 2:14-15(a) Message

Your wilderness changes you. And it grows you IF you let it. I ran into Jesus in my wilderness, everyday.... and that is where my healing began.. . When wandering in our wilderness we will meet up with the damage of our past. It wasn't fun and some days it hurt like hell. But we all need to be “Unmade” at some point in our lives. There is a real beauty in the breaking of us. For me healing is worth the pain of being broken. Don't be afraid to wander... the Wilderness sounds scary and disconnected... and it can be, –but only if you are afraid of change and what you might discover about yourself. So just take Papa's hand, He will wander with you. And remember this is but a season.

Watch for a Blog entry coming up in the near future  “Restored and Rescued: The coming back...

Excerpts from my Journal-2015

Excerpts from my Journal-2015

Aug 15 -Being Still: As I was fasting.. Jesus pressed it upon me that I needed to be still. And God asking me to be still is like me asking a 2 year old to be still... Next to impossible.. Glad He knows He has His work cut out for Him. But He is my Papa and the love of my life... He told me that my journey would be hard and promised that He would never leave me.... 

John 7:38 – He who believes in Me, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water... Oh I love Life... 

Aug 19, - And Jesus says wait... and I don't want to. See I even know how to sound like a kid. Jesus thank you for the friends in my life that make me laugh, The people in my life that cause my heart to grow. My best friends that challenge me, and keep my head screwed on straight lol. My heart belongs to You Lord.

Aug 27 - As I am going through the phases of my divorce... there are people on all sides trying to fix me... and right now I don't need fixing.. I need to wander in my own wilderness... and Jesus will meet me there... to walk and talk like the good friends that we are.

Isaiah 43:1-2a Since you are precious in My sight, you have been honored, and I have Loved you. Therefore I will give people for your life.... Aaaah WOW....

Aug 29, My heart is still... and oh the peace...A season of peace and rest...Jesus said to me “Trust Me and My peace will encompass you” Make Me First – I heard this song on the radio.. and it really spoke to me heart

Lauren Dagle: “First”

Before I bring my need I will bring my heart.

Before I lift my cares I will lift my arms... I want to know You... FIRST

Aug 31, Today I ask Papa what He saw when He looked at me... Beauty.. and the righteousness of God! Permanent smile on my face... 

Dec 19 - I do not like to feel my feelings. But... feeling my feelings when I am with my best friend is safe... It doesn't matter what I am feeling I am just able to feel without judgement.. with out the threat of being rejected. Thank you for being a part of my life and allowing me to be a part of yours and for just "being" with me. 

Don't let your circumstances dictate your attitude! Amen.

THE WARRIOR INSIDE

What is a Warrior !

A Warrior is that person who gets up. Despite of what is knocking them down, a person who trusts that the victory is there even when it isn't visible. Believes and trusts the miracle that she is waiting for is there because the God of Angel Armies is Alive and living inside her... A warrior is someone who knows that the fight is not their own and will allow another to come along side and fight with them...

Deflecting... one of my closest friends would tell you that I am a master.... but calls me on it every time. And I have come to realize that it takes the courage of a warrior to be brave enough to allow themselves to feel..

So talking to my Papa is not something that is new to me.. I pull out a chair and He sits down and has breakfast with me... Every morning my journal entry starts like this “Good Morning Jesus I Love You” on this particular morning after I had started that sentence... I heard Him ... “Martha put the pen down and look at Me” He wanted to be invited to “see me” And when I allowed Him to see me. I felt this over whelming powerful love. A love that was so deep... I felt Him smile, I felt His joy. I felt His satisfaction in the way He created me. Isaiah 53:11- “After He has suffered, He will see the light of life and be satisfied”, And I cried, which seems like a normal thing these days – to which my counselor would offer what I think is a sadist smile...LOL. It is good to feel my feelings... and the feelings of God. .

Papa You are the Warrior inside of me.....

Jan 28, 2016 ENTERING IN

I want to share what it looks like for me to “enter in”...

When I was a child, my faith was easy... believe everything my parents told me. It wasn`t  a hard thing to do. So... here is my story...

As a small ( well I am still small)  girl age 3, I wanted to help my mama in the strawberry patch... Mom says, you go and play, I don't want you to trample the strawberry plants....(unbeknownst to me a lie is planted) “you are not good enough” and in every comment even constructive criticism the lie that has been planted seems to be confirmed. Later in life it translates to how I lived my life. It comes out in comments I made about myself. “you can't do that” “you are not smart enough”, “how dumb can you get” or in defensive things like “I will show them I can make something of myself” In the work force, in ministry always believing “if I please him/her I will be loved, I will feel validated” and as I grow into a woman, I make choices although look good are based on a lie that I have believed. 

And then I meet Jesus. Not the God whom I was made to fear because “one day we will stand before God and be judged” or the God whom I am told will step on me if I make a mistake, or sin.

But Jesus.

As I get comfortable with Jesus, I start to ask Him, things like “where were you when” or “why am I feeling this way” I have opened the door a crack. Not waiting for an answer.... but as I allow Jesus to love me... I start to feel safe with Him, and I learn to ask the question without worry or fear... “Jesus what am I feeling?” and I have entered in.... I have entered into the “Holiest of Holies” I have come before the “Mercy Seat” of Christ...

I feel safe enough with my Father that – I know that nothing matters... right then and there besides the healing that He wants for me... So I take a risk, unlike one I have ever taken before. I lay my heart naked and bare before Him, scared and yet filled with the anticipation that although He knows, He is asking me for permission that He might invade and shed light into the deepest recesses of my heart. To reveal the lies that I have believed, to dispel them and pour truth into my heart. And when one thing at a time comes out, I see myself. My Father reveals to me who I really am in Him, How He sees me.

After all of that – I sit at my kitchen table, and every morning I have coffee with my best friend. I hold nothing back, We talk like there is no tomorrow. He has blessed me with the gift of conversation. And my longing to please others has shifted to be validated not by man but by my Creator, and He has already done that. So no more hiding,  I have learned to “Enter in” everyday.  He makes me cry, and He makes me laugh. He draws me in.  He has given me the gift of feeling... the gift to love deeply.

When we have entered in...Truly entered in, with or without trepidation, We sit, stand, kneel, lay prostrate before the Father who is on the mercy seat – and we come as we are, not as we think we need to or should be. He is waiting...

January - 2016

During the first summer and fall of my separation... I transformed the shop/smoking room into this wonderful glorious refuge I call “The She Shed” where I have learned to just “BE” no TV or laptops. No Netflix, or movies. In it I have had long conversations with Papa and best friends, read books, listened to pod casts. Cried alone and with friends. In it I have learned that it was OK to be angry, ranted at God and sworn till I was blue in the face. I have been comforted by friends, learned how to feel my feelings.  I have laughed with friends, I have healed and had the privilege of watching friends start their journey of healing. I have made the best of friends, had too much wine to drink.. talked about the deepest things of the heart... God - Men - women - children, marriage – divorce love and life. I have taken long naps... and allowed the pain of abuse to surface in order that I could be healed. I have asked for forgiveness. I have forgiven and learned to move forward. In the months to come I will share my journey from a heart that was torn, abused and broken to where ever I am at in the moment, and as I my journey continues... so will my blog.