I saw you today, through eyes that were different, through a heart that is constantly healing, I saw the beauty of you, I saw your pain, I saw your longing and desire,
This weekend I went to a “Deeply Devoted event” in a church that I hadn’t been to since my separation and divorce. But it used to be home, I was so triggered and when I ask God what I was feeling - the word “failure” just stood out. Context- This had to do with my ex, when we were still together there was event where the church made the decision to ask him to step down from an active role in the church, and as I was in a role similar, I decided to step down as well.
God what is the lie I am believing - “you walked out on church, the ministry, and then it settled on this one statement “you walked out on you” on what you loved and were passionate about. I felt like I had walked out on God.
As I allowed myself to feel everything that came with this, and allowed God’s grace to cover me, I asked God for the truth. “I love you, where ever you walk Martha I am there, You already know that you are not a failure”
God I feel like you have removed a blockage in my life that I didn’t know was there. I feel like I can breathe again, I love the realness of you God, I love how straight forward you are, and I also love that you are gentle at the same time.
And Then the Dream
I didn’t go to bed super late, but I had this dream
There was large group of people including a dear friend, we were attending an academy of sorts, my friend was sitting one row back to my right. There was a woman with blond hair, she was trying to get my friend kicked out of this class, so she took our identity cards, (they looked like drivers license but they weren’t) she took mine along with a few others which included my friend. I saw where she put them so I snuck them back, I just took two and without looking I put the one in my friends bag. When we were asked to show our identity cards my friend had mine, I wasn’t sure how that happened. But it was made light of and everyone had a good laugh. It was when my friend gave me my ID back it wasn’t the plastic ID that I had placed in the bag, It was this beautiful opaque green stained glass piece of art, a bunch of cracked pieces soldered together in a work of art. I woke up sobbing
The next morning God showed me that what my friend handed back to me was my true identity,
So yes today I saw you with new eyes, you are so beautiful, you are so loved. Keep walking further up and further in.
God may I always allow you to affect my atmosphere.
