BEING NAKED

Being Naked

Being naked – I don't like my body in particular – But for me it is more than that. It is about the nakedness of my soul. In my nakedness, I am being vulnerable, completely open and revealing my heart and not just the things that are good, but the pain, the shame, and the sin.

My friends know that I love a natural shower out in the rain. I have the privacy to do that. And the freedom is unfathomable. Or finding that sacred – secret waterfall. And stripping everything off and allowing the water to wash over you. Oh there is freedom. And so it is with God's light... there are thoughts of “Oh No what if He sees”? But oh the freedom when we invite Him to see all of us, every part of who we are. Yes God does see all.. but He still wants to be invited. He won't come in uninvited. He stands at the door and knocks, waiting for me to open that door. So...

For the last few weeks I prayed and invited the Holy Spirit to open my deepest wound and penetrate my heart, so that I could and would be healed. I went to counselling today my heart completely open, naked, completely vulnerable and exposed, filled with anxiety and panic and completely resolved. I knew that God was answering my prayer, Even if I didn't feel God there, I told Him I would trust that He was. What I wasn't prepared for was how raw and completely real body memory is, and the physical pain effects it has. That in order to cope I needed an event to attach to it. But healing is a journey, and I wasn't capable of both allowing myself to feel my body memory and link it to an event at the same time. But it did reveal to me how important it is that I make a choice to personalize my pain, to allow it and the people involved in my pain to be real. In depersonalizing my pain, I had depersonalized myself, my God, and other people.

Depersonalizing myelf – Is exactly what the enemy wants, - As I grew up, I always said and thought “I should have been a guy I make a much better guy than a girl”. Evil delights in me being ashamed. Evil finds joy when I am unable to embrace first of all what I am.

“I AM A WOMAN”

In saying all of that... I can't stop smiling, My heart was vulnerable, naked, and completely open, I see my Papa smile and hear His voice... “Daughter you are so delightful. Thank-you for allowing me into your pain, your journey.” Lets keep walking.

So no matter what don't ever tell me “don't take this personally” because I will. I will no longer depersonalize my pain, or yours, I want to walk along side and show you how to embrace it

Broken to be made Whole - Ruined to be Redeemed

Broken to be made Whole – Ruined to be Redeemed

Make me to hear joy and gladness, Let the bones which You have broken rejoice. Psalm 51:8

Sunday Feb 14, - as I sat in church... singing “Holy, Holy Holy, hands outstretched. My inner spirit groaned, and God showed me a picture of a man broken... wanting to be healed and yet holding on. The struggle is so real. Letting go is so hard.

Being broken is crippling.. But it is often during this time that we feel most alive to life. In 2003 I remember taking a course in prayer ministry. During this course I had to be willing to allow God to shine His flashlight around in my heart.. And yet He knew that I wasn't ready for my deepest pain. I still don't feel prepared to face it. The pain of violation of a trust broken. And yet He is using this brokenness to make me whole. Today I feel like I am a broken ruined vase. Something that should hold beauty but is incapable of doing so. I know that God is calling me closer preparing me to face it and I am terrified. Even as I write these words I have feelings of anxiety of what happens if I say the actual words.

But I trust my Papa...in all things or in most things Don't I ? And yet if I say I trust Him why do I not want Him to shine His light in that one dark place. Because Letting go is hard and sometimes I am just not ready.

He led me here and there throughout the valley, and I was amazed to see that the surface of the entire valley was covered with myriads of very dry bones! This is what the Lord GOD says to you dry bones! "Pay attention! I'm bringing my Spirit into you right now, and you're going to live! I will put flesh and muscles on you and cover you with skin. I will put breath into you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.” Ezekiel 37: 2, 5 & 6

I have prayed so much to be made whole. I just didn't know that what I was praying for would lead me on this excruciating and difficult path of healing. I didn't know how much pain there was going to be, to go from being “Ruined to being Redeemed”. People that know me will say this one thing about me “She is not afraid of doing hard things” I was talking to my counselor and told him “I just want to go there get it healed and move on”. He looked at me and said “God won't violate your heart Martha”. What I didn't understand was why it was that I wanted it to be done and over with. And God used him to give me a revelation. “Your heart tells you that people won't stay in your life long enough to have a real relationship with you” And when I realized how true this was, it shattered my heart. And once again I was broken. Broken so that God could answer my prayer to be made whole.

This morning as I sat in my kitchen having coffee with Papa.. I was praying deeply for a friend. And once again the Spirit groaned and the tears flowed. I knew that I was feeling the feelings of God.

I have met so many broken people in my life, some of them have become my closest friends. It amazes me how people who are broken cling to each other and how the smallest victory in a struggle of one is able to encourage the heart of someone else. As I go through various valleys of dry bones and ruins of my life, I have stopped praying that God would give me constant reprieve, My prayer is this -  that God would strengthen the inner most part of who I am, and that I would be filled with ALL the fullness of God. And knowing that as long as I am struggling with God I am passionately engaged in this journey called life.

The Wilderness- Being Unmade

The Wilderness- Being Unmade

“Father God can you hear the prayer I'm sending out tonight

the voice of fear makes things unclear I call on you with all my might,

I haven't done the best I can, please reach down and hold my trembling Hand

Father God”

“The path that truly heals and redeems begins at the point when we realize we want more perspective purpose and passion in life” from Dan B Allender's book “The Healing Path”

“If we run from what we fear or find displeasure, we actually rob our selves of the joy God intends for us to experience as we walk through our past, (not around or over it) play with our future and live now with new passion” from Dan B Allender's book “The Healing Path”

Everyone has their own wilderness and at times in our lives it is imperative that we go there. The place where we can wander and rediscover who we really are. Initially I felt so incredibly lost in my wilderness, but soon it became a place of healing. My wilderness consisted of a few different physical places. Places where I could be what ever I was feeling that day. One of my favourite places in my wilderness were the endless railway tracks starting 10 minutes North West from where I live. I would put in my headphones and just let the music wash over me, and I would walk, dance, run down the tracks. I would laugh, I would hope, I would dream, and I would cry. In this wilderness I was free.  I was being unmade. I needed to be. I discovered so many things about myself there. A place where it was just me. Another place which became a comfort to me is a small bar and grill where friends are in abundant and I got to forget about what I was going through for an evening , where I learned to laugh again, and was always accepted where ever I was at in my journey... and for that I will be forever grateful... Another favourite place was road 432 not really a wilderness. Every Saturday in the early mornings it became my sanctuary... I would park my car... and walk 4 miles one way and 4 miles back... Music pumping..I was able to have a long conversation with Papa, and when I got home... without fail I felt refreshed and rescued.

“And now, here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to start all over again. I’m taking her back out into the wilderness where we had our first date, and I’ll court her.I’ll give her bouquets of roses. I’ll turn Heartbreak Valley into Acres of Hope”. Hosea 2:14-15(a) Message

Your wilderness changes you. And it grows you IF you let it. I ran into Jesus in my wilderness, everyday.... and that is where my healing began.. . When wandering in our wilderness we will meet up with the damage of our past. It wasn't fun and some days it hurt like hell. But we all need to be “Unmade” at some point in our lives. There is a real beauty in the breaking of us. For me healing is worth the pain of being broken. Don't be afraid to wander... the Wilderness sounds scary and disconnected... and it can be, –but only if you are afraid of change and what you might discover about yourself. So just take Papa's hand, He will wander with you. And remember this is but a season.

Watch for a Blog entry coming up in the near future  “Restored and Rescued: The coming back...

Excerpts from my Journal-2015

Excerpts from my Journal-2015

Aug 15 -Being Still: As I was fasting.. Jesus pressed it upon me that I needed to be still. And God asking me to be still is like me asking a 2 year old to be still... Next to impossible.. Glad He knows He has His work cut out for Him. But He is my Papa and the love of my life... He told me that my journey would be hard and promised that He would never leave me.... 

John 7:38 – He who believes in Me, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water... Oh I love Life... 

Aug 19, - And Jesus says wait... and I don't want to. See I even know how to sound like a kid. Jesus thank you for the friends in my life that make me laugh, The people in my life that cause my heart to grow. My best friends that challenge me, and keep my head screwed on straight lol. My heart belongs to You Lord.

Aug 27 - As I am going through the phases of my divorce... there are people on all sides trying to fix me... and right now I don't need fixing.. I need to wander in my own wilderness... and Jesus will meet me there... to walk and talk like the good friends that we are.

Isaiah 43:1-2a Since you are precious in My sight, you have been honored, and I have Loved you. Therefore I will give people for your life.... Aaaah WOW....

Aug 29, My heart is still... and oh the peace...A season of peace and rest...Jesus said to me “Trust Me and My peace will encompass you” Make Me First – I heard this song on the radio.. and it really spoke to me heart

Lauren Dagle: “First”

Before I bring my need I will bring my heart.

Before I lift my cares I will lift my arms... I want to know You... FIRST

Aug 31, Today I ask Papa what He saw when He looked at me... Beauty.. and the righteousness of God! Permanent smile on my face... 

Dec 19 - I do not like to feel my feelings. But... feeling my feelings when I am with my best friend is safe... It doesn't matter what I am feeling I am just able to feel without judgement.. with out the threat of being rejected. Thank you for being a part of my life and allowing me to be a part of yours and for just "being" with me. 

Don't let your circumstances dictate your attitude! Amen.

THE WARRIOR INSIDE

What is a Warrior !

A Warrior is that person who gets up. Despite of what is knocking them down, a person who trusts that the victory is there even when it isn't visible. Believes and trusts the miracle that she is waiting for is there because the God of Angel Armies is Alive and living inside her... A warrior is someone who knows that the fight is not their own and will allow another to come along side and fight with them...

Deflecting... one of my closest friends would tell you that I am a master.... but calls me on it every time. And I have come to realize that it takes the courage of a warrior to be brave enough to allow themselves to feel..

So talking to my Papa is not something that is new to me.. I pull out a chair and He sits down and has breakfast with me... Every morning my journal entry starts like this “Good Morning Jesus I Love You” on this particular morning after I had started that sentence... I heard Him ... “Martha put the pen down and look at Me” He wanted to be invited to “see me” And when I allowed Him to see me. I felt this over whelming powerful love. A love that was so deep... I felt Him smile, I felt His joy. I felt His satisfaction in the way He created me. Isaiah 53:11- “After He has suffered, He will see the light of life and be satisfied”, And I cried, which seems like a normal thing these days – to which my counselor would offer what I think is a sadist smile...LOL. It is good to feel my feelings... and the feelings of God. .

Papa You are the Warrior inside of me.....