UNVEILED

“UNVEILED”

“I am the Lord, that is My name. And I will not give my glory to another” Isaiah 42:8

Last week, I allowed the enemy to wreak havoc with my heart and mind, the verses from

Psalm 73: 21-24 comes to mind, My heart was grieved, and I was vexed in my mind, I was so foolish and ignorant, I was like a beast before You, Nevertheless, I am continually with You, You hold me by my right hand, You guide me with Your counsel...

I wish I wasn't so vulnerable to the attack of the enemy

I was reminded that we are created in the image of God, and we have a glorious God... I know it might be hard to wrap your head around, it is for me. But I was told Martha.. you ARE the Glory of God....

We try so hard to be what and who we think God wants us to be. Instead of just being, we clothe ourselves in different character traits, because that might make a more godly woman/man, and when that doesn't work, we try something else, we work out, we eat healthy - because after all our bodies are the temple of God. (And I do agree with being healthy) We suck it up when something bad happens, we act strong, we don't swear, we do this and don't do that... and slowly but surely layer after layer, the Glory of God is hidden away under all that we think we need to be. He sees us pretending to worship, praising through the storms, when even David accused, ranted and raved at God. David a man after God's own heart was so engaged in his own life that struggling with God was an everyday occurrence. And yet when we struggle we think we are weak, the enemy completely and totally loves this and convinces us not just how we are not measuring up to who and what God wants us to be, but also cheers when we are too afraid to live in God's design. You see God is all about His Glory... He will not give it to another. That means He is all about me, all about you.

So as for me and my house... The unveiling of the Glory of God is a happening thing. Scary and so freeing, what a journey. But I want to be unveiled. No pretense in anyway or anything... just completely naked and completely unveiled... To be what God sees.

So I asked God to peel back the first layer... He did...and all I could see was an abyss filled with sadness and fear. And all I could do was cry. It was like He peeled back death and life combined. And it hurt. But I want it. After all it is what is going to change me. Not re layering but allowing God to reveal and change my heart.

Dear Papa,

Dear Papa, 

I don't know where to start today...

Your love for me.. Although it often surprises me.

It never ceases to amaze me.

Today I cried, because I knew you had laid me on the heart of someone else

I felt You answering their prayer for me. Oh that You love me this deeply.

How You can see the good in me that I can not seem to find.

I love that since I have given up protecting myself,

How much more I can see, and feel Your protection in every area of my life.

I love how You give me days of sunshine, days of rain, fog and even the storms.

I love how You give me the privilege of feeling Your feelings when it comes to others.

Papa, I love the way you hold me.

I love Your eyes, when they look at me, I feel so deeply loved.

Your love is like nothing that can be described,

I absolutely love the fact that You are a part of my DNA,

I love when my eyes are open and I can see You delight in Your creation.

I love the way You made me, to love music, to dance, to love flowers, 

long walks, and wild adventures.

Red wine, Whiskey, and coffee,

Thank You for my love of reading, and learning.

I love when I put my head on Your lap, that I can feel Your hand on my head.

I love that You walk with me, no matter where I go.

I marvel at Your creation, how You made all time, and every season,

How You make it rain, and things grow.

I stand in awe that You smile at some of my acts of stupidity,

Like I do at the children You have blessed me with.

And I love how much You love them.

I love how You make me laugh, and I love to hear Your laughter

I love the things, events, and season of my life that You choose to use to help me grow.

I love that when I fall off the “wagon” You leave me there for a while, but not for very long,

How when I lose sight of myself, You are still right there.

Thank You for every tear that I have had the honor of crying,

For every breath that I have had the privilege of breathing,

For every time I wake up in the morning,

I love how You love TODAY, because yesterday is

already gone, wrapped in grace!

Papa I love you!

LOOKING IN THE MIRROR

Looking in the Mirror-Learning to See

You are hidden with Christ in God, and God is your life" (Colossians 3:3-4).

When I look in the mirror in the bathroom, I see the imperfections of me. When I look at my heart with my own eyes – All I see is my bad choices, stains of sin, regrets of the past, and dirt.

This last week has been a challenge –

I went to a counselling appointment and my counselor really challenged me, We were talking about design and how the world has de-personified the difference between men and women...  Opposed to what it should look like.  I said "I am a very passionate person" and he said Say it ... Give meaning to it Martha - that which is so hard for you to say. So I said "I am a very passionate woman" and then I fell apart... I know what it means to be female "insert here" but I am struggling with what it means to be a woman to live and love by Gods design.

Not the passionate part, but the part of being a woman... Strangely when I thought of myself as a woman - I didn't think of beauty or intelligence or sensuality, but of weakness...

I am learning to look at myself and others with the eyes of God. When I see God and I connect with Him... I see me. Because I am hidden with Christ in God. I see a beautiful, strong, sensual, smart, resolved, compassionate, courageous, adventurous, spontaneous, kind, giving, creative, strong willed, fiercely loyal, beautifully vulnerable, passionate, smart, sexy, fun, carefree, respectful, hard working, focused, driven, positive, content, crazy spicy woman.

When I look in the mirror I realize that my beauty doesn't lie just in what I look like but in the sum of who I am - and I am “Hidden with Christ in God...”

Allow Papa, Father God, to be your mirror. He sees you as you are. Not as you see yourself.

Love Always Protects

“God does – who God is: LOVE”

The love of God is greater far

Than tongue or pen can ever tell;

It goes beyond the highest star,

And reaches to the lowest hell...

Oh, love of God, how rich and pure!

How measureless and strong...

- Frederick Martin Lehman

This morning, I sit here tears streaming down my face. All my life I have been strong, I know how and what to do to “make” it. I have built up walls to protect my heart. I know that as long as my walls are in place “it” won't hurt.. as much that is.

I belong to an amazing group of women – Our motto is “Love always protects” but that is not the reason that I am writing this... We get together every Thursday night. Yesterday was a great day... I hadn't shed too many tears... only a few of pure joy :) God has a way that completely changes that -we were asked to choose a small slip of paper and on each piece there was a part of 1 Corinthians 13, I prayed that I would get the one that God wanted me to have. Thinking I would get one that might convict me. But nope God had an entirely different idea in mind. “Love always protects”

I think I love the conviction of God... because it means that I have to do something to change... and I am very good at “doing” But when I got my slip of paper, I put it on my knee and immediately felt Holy Spirit moving. And in an instant the tears started. I knew what Papa was saying to me “I love you my daughter” Aren't you tired of protecting yourself? Why don't you let me do that for you. I can't promise that you won't ever hurt again, but I can promise that I will be there when you do. Papa doesn't want me to “do” He wants me to “Be” For the past year I have heard him say “be still - let Me love you”

When trust is broken it is so hard to even know what love looks like. I know what I want it to look like. But it is so much more, so much deeper and much more encompassing than anything I can ever fathom. Every day as I choose to let Papa love me, through my children, through my friends, and even complete strangers. I still ask the question "am I able to trust that love"? And yet every day and very gently Papa shows me that I can. My walls are coming down, because although they help me protect myself from pain, they also don't allow others close enough to love me. And that is a very lonely place to be.

No matter where you are in your journey, in what chapter of your story you are in. You are deeply loved. I know that you have been hurt, I know that you have made choices that you think He will not be able to forgive. I know that trusting the love of God is a hard choice. But He does love you. Be still allow His love to consume, to protect, and overwhelm you.

INVISIBLE

INVISIBLE

One of the deepest pains, confusing feelings, and false sense of safety comes from feeling “Invisible-not being seen” When I think about this I cry... It hurts.

Being married for 25 years, and always longing to be seen. Yet completely invisible to the person who said “I love you” and had promised to “Love” me for the rest of my life. Isn't “seeing” me a part of loving me? Eventually I got used to not being seen and had learned to shut out my dreams, and my deepest desires. I wanted him to look past my words to my heart. To see me. I wanted to be loved when I felt unlovable, when I felt awkward, when I danced like an idiot and laughed at the most inappropriate things. I hated feeling invisible.

To cope with feeling invisible I crawled inside a great love story, either a book or a movie, where “she” was always seen, never invisible.  The pain was too much to face. Hiding was so much easier. I have started reading books that help me work through my pain, my emotions, and instead of hiding I am allowing myself to feel and to be seen by those around me. Exposing my heart.

I borrowed a book from a friend call “Shattered Dreams” by Larry Crabb, a great read. But when I first got the book – I couldn't get past the second page of the introduction. There were several times where I contemplated burning it. But it wasn't mine! It took me two weeks to get past that. Every time I read the words “God wants to Bless us” that meant me... I would just break down and cry, I just couldn't seem to wrap my heart around that. Not just any blessing but because He is my Papa He gives me His highest good. And that is an encounter, a relationship, a friendship with Him... No matter what He will always “see” me. He delights in me. He sees the deepest part of me, the part that I am too afraid to show someone else. And knowing that I am not invisible to my Father makes me lift my hands in praise. Makes me fall to my knees in awe and adoration. Like a child I jump for joy with tears streaming down my face because He has given me the blessing of seeing me, and loving all of me all the time. 

Then I said to myself, “Oh, He even sees me in the dark! Psalm 139:12(a) Msg

Feeling invisible hurts. But Papa sees you. He loves all of you... Let him. When you do, your tears of pain will still be tears – but tears of adoration, of awe and of wonder.