Losing myself again
Today as I sit here... I wonder how it happened "again"... I feel like have lost myself again, like I have let life consume me, How do I balance it all? How do I live one day at a time. I moved this year and my house and life feel completely out of sync and chaotic.
Jesus please give me peace in this chaos - I have no inspiration to write. I know that I am supposed to write a book. And I really want to. but I don't know where to start, and instead of trusting God I just sit here frozen. filling my life up with other things. Band aids - distractions from the journey that God has for me. I know I heard Him say "write a book" so why is it that I just can't seem to find the words to start.. to share myself.
And the words I heard are " you are afraid of both failing and succeeding" and this book isn't for anyone but Him... So I want to write - but there is this show on Netflix and I am all caught up in the drama of it.... and so the story goes. And so the time wastes away.
"Forgiving the unforgivable" the person that was supposed to be my best friend wasn't. And with all the lies and deceit I don't know how to forgive right now. and maybe I feel justified in not forgiving. but in all of that I miss her so much. we were like sisters or so I thought - I had heard things but I decided not to look through the glasses of her past. But I wish I had guarded my heart... but what of being brave enough to be vulnerable. God why couldn't I see my reaction to the deceit. So I shared some things that she didn't want to have shared. And in finding out instead of working through things - and talking to me - the venom poured from her heart in a text to me. And she cut me completely from her life. And I guess the unwillingness to work things through hurts the most. I thought I meant something to her. It really hurts to know that she doesn't value me enough to work things through. And she never has, and the thing is others that she has been friends with in the past warned me about this. "She will throw you under the bus Martha" they said. "she just uses people" the only reason she is your friend is for what she can get from it. when she has no one in her life she needs you but as soon as there is a guy in her life she will ditch you" but I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to believe it. I am not sure where in her life it started that she needed to start protecting herself- what she did that she had to make herself feel better so that she couldn't feel the pain of her choices, and yet the choices haven't changed at all.
Jesus....Please show show her that despite all of her life choices that you love her. Jesus please show me how to live from the bottom up... from my heart and soul to my head. Not from my head to my heart. Lord as You call me to walk on the ocean, I choose to believe that the water will hold me up.
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