Love Always Protects

“God does – who God is: LOVE”

The love of God is greater far

Than tongue or pen can ever tell;

It goes beyond the highest star,

And reaches to the lowest hell...

Oh, love of God, how rich and pure!

How measureless and strong...

- Frederick Martin Lehman

This morning, I sit here tears streaming down my face. All my life I have been strong, I know how and what to do to “make” it. I have built up walls to protect my heart. I know that as long as my walls are in place “it” won't hurt.. as much that is.

I belong to an amazing group of women – Our motto is “Love always protects” but that is not the reason that I am writing this... We get together every Thursday night. Yesterday was a great day... I hadn't shed too many tears... only a few of pure joy :) God has a way that completely changes that -we were asked to choose a small slip of paper and on each piece there was a part of 1 Corinthians 13, I prayed that I would get the one that God wanted me to have. Thinking I would get one that might convict me. But nope God had an entirely different idea in mind. “Love always protects”

I think I love the conviction of God... because it means that I have to do something to change... and I am very good at “doing” But when I got my slip of paper, I put it on my knee and immediately felt Holy Spirit moving. And in an instant the tears started. I knew what Papa was saying to me “I love you my daughter” Aren't you tired of protecting yourself? Why don't you let me do that for you. I can't promise that you won't ever hurt again, but I can promise that I will be there when you do. Papa doesn't want me to “do” He wants me to “Be” For the past year I have heard him say “be still - let Me love you”

When trust is broken it is so hard to even know what love looks like. I know what I want it to look like. But it is so much more, so much deeper and much more encompassing than anything I can ever fathom. Every day as I choose to let Papa love me, through my children, through my friends, and even complete strangers. I still ask the question "am I able to trust that love"? And yet every day and very gently Papa shows me that I can. My walls are coming down, because although they help me protect myself from pain, they also don't allow others close enough to love me. And that is a very lonely place to be.

No matter where you are in your journey, in what chapter of your story you are in. You are deeply loved. I know that you have been hurt, I know that you have made choices that you think He will not be able to forgive. I know that trusting the love of God is a hard choice. But He does love you. Be still allow His love to consume, to protect, and overwhelm you.

INVISIBLE

INVISIBLE

One of the deepest pains, confusing feelings, and false sense of safety comes from feeling “Invisible-not being seen” When I think about this I cry... It hurts.

Being married for 25 years, and always longing to be seen. Yet completely invisible to the person who said “I love you” and had promised to “Love” me for the rest of my life. Isn't “seeing” me a part of loving me? Eventually I got used to not being seen and had learned to shut out my dreams, and my deepest desires. I wanted him to look past my words to my heart. To see me. I wanted to be loved when I felt unlovable, when I felt awkward, when I danced like an idiot and laughed at the most inappropriate things. I hated feeling invisible.

To cope with feeling invisible I crawled inside a great love story, either a book or a movie, where “she” was always seen, never invisible.  The pain was too much to face. Hiding was so much easier. I have started reading books that help me work through my pain, my emotions, and instead of hiding I am allowing myself to feel and to be seen by those around me. Exposing my heart.

I borrowed a book from a friend call “Shattered Dreams” by Larry Crabb, a great read. But when I first got the book – I couldn't get past the second page of the introduction. There were several times where I contemplated burning it. But it wasn't mine! It took me two weeks to get past that. Every time I read the words “God wants to Bless us” that meant me... I would just break down and cry, I just couldn't seem to wrap my heart around that. Not just any blessing but because He is my Papa He gives me His highest good. And that is an encounter, a relationship, a friendship with Him... No matter what He will always “see” me. He delights in me. He sees the deepest part of me, the part that I am too afraid to show someone else. And knowing that I am not invisible to my Father makes me lift my hands in praise. Makes me fall to my knees in awe and adoration. Like a child I jump for joy with tears streaming down my face because He has given me the blessing of seeing me, and loving all of me all the time. 

Then I said to myself, “Oh, He even sees me in the dark! Psalm 139:12(a) Msg

Feeling invisible hurts. But Papa sees you. He loves all of you... Let him. When you do, your tears of pain will still be tears – but tears of adoration, of awe and of wonder.

BEING NAKED

Being Naked

Being naked – I don't like my body in particular – But for me it is more than that. It is about the nakedness of my soul. In my nakedness, I am being vulnerable, completely open and revealing my heart and not just the things that are good, but the pain, the shame, and the sin.

My friends know that I love a natural shower out in the rain. I have the privacy to do that. And the freedom is unfathomable. Or finding that sacred – secret waterfall. And stripping everything off and allowing the water to wash over you. Oh there is freedom. And so it is with God's light... there are thoughts of “Oh No what if He sees”? But oh the freedom when we invite Him to see all of us, every part of who we are. Yes God does see all.. but He still wants to be invited. He won't come in uninvited. He stands at the door and knocks, waiting for me to open that door. So...

For the last few weeks I prayed and invited the Holy Spirit to open my deepest wound and penetrate my heart, so that I could and would be healed. I went to counselling today my heart completely open, naked, completely vulnerable and exposed, filled with anxiety and panic and completely resolved. I knew that God was answering my prayer, Even if I didn't feel God there, I told Him I would trust that He was. What I wasn't prepared for was how raw and completely real body memory is, and the physical pain effects it has. That in order to cope I needed an event to attach to it. But healing is a journey, and I wasn't capable of both allowing myself to feel my body memory and link it to an event at the same time. But it did reveal to me how important it is that I make a choice to personalize my pain, to allow it and the people involved in my pain to be real. In depersonalizing my pain, I had depersonalized myself, my God, and other people.

Depersonalizing myelf – Is exactly what the enemy wants, - As I grew up, I always said and thought “I should have been a guy I make a much better guy than a girl”. Evil delights in me being ashamed. Evil finds joy when I am unable to embrace first of all what I am.

“I AM A WOMAN”

In saying all of that... I can't stop smiling, My heart was vulnerable, naked, and completely open, I see my Papa smile and hear His voice... “Daughter you are so delightful. Thank-you for allowing me into your pain, your journey.” Lets keep walking.

So no matter what don't ever tell me “don't take this personally” because I will. I will no longer depersonalize my pain, or yours, I want to walk along side and show you how to embrace it

Broken to be made Whole - Ruined to be Redeemed

Broken to be made Whole – Ruined to be Redeemed

Make me to hear joy and gladness, Let the bones which You have broken rejoice. Psalm 51:8

Sunday Feb 14, - as I sat in church... singing “Holy, Holy Holy, hands outstretched. My inner spirit groaned, and God showed me a picture of a man broken... wanting to be healed and yet holding on. The struggle is so real. Letting go is so hard.

Being broken is crippling.. But it is often during this time that we feel most alive to life. In 2003 I remember taking a course in prayer ministry. During this course I had to be willing to allow God to shine His flashlight around in my heart.. And yet He knew that I wasn't ready for my deepest pain. I still don't feel prepared to face it. The pain of violation of a trust broken. And yet He is using this brokenness to make me whole. Today I feel like I am a broken ruined vase. Something that should hold beauty but is incapable of doing so. I know that God is calling me closer preparing me to face it and I am terrified. Even as I write these words I have feelings of anxiety of what happens if I say the actual words.

But I trust my Papa...in all things or in most things Don't I ? And yet if I say I trust Him why do I not want Him to shine His light in that one dark place. Because Letting go is hard and sometimes I am just not ready.

He led me here and there throughout the valley, and I was amazed to see that the surface of the entire valley was covered with myriads of very dry bones! This is what the Lord GOD says to you dry bones! "Pay attention! I'm bringing my Spirit into you right now, and you're going to live! I will put flesh and muscles on you and cover you with skin. I will put breath into you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.” Ezekiel 37: 2, 5 & 6

I have prayed so much to be made whole. I just didn't know that what I was praying for would lead me on this excruciating and difficult path of healing. I didn't know how much pain there was going to be, to go from being “Ruined to being Redeemed”. People that know me will say this one thing about me “She is not afraid of doing hard things” I was talking to my counselor and told him “I just want to go there get it healed and move on”. He looked at me and said “God won't violate your heart Martha”. What I didn't understand was why it was that I wanted it to be done and over with. And God used him to give me a revelation. “Your heart tells you that people won't stay in your life long enough to have a real relationship with you” And when I realized how true this was, it shattered my heart. And once again I was broken. Broken so that God could answer my prayer to be made whole.

This morning as I sat in my kitchen having coffee with Papa.. I was praying deeply for a friend. And once again the Spirit groaned and the tears flowed. I knew that I was feeling the feelings of God.

I have met so many broken people in my life, some of them have become my closest friends. It amazes me how people who are broken cling to each other and how the smallest victory in a struggle of one is able to encourage the heart of someone else. As I go through various valleys of dry bones and ruins of my life, I have stopped praying that God would give me constant reprieve, My prayer is this -  that God would strengthen the inner most part of who I am, and that I would be filled with ALL the fullness of God. And knowing that as long as I am struggling with God I am passionately engaged in this journey called life.

The Wilderness- Being Unmade

The Wilderness- Being Unmade

“Father God can you hear the prayer I'm sending out tonight

the voice of fear makes things unclear I call on you with all my might,

I haven't done the best I can, please reach down and hold my trembling Hand

Father God”

“The path that truly heals and redeems begins at the point when we realize we want more perspective purpose and passion in life” from Dan B Allender's book “The Healing Path”

“If we run from what we fear or find displeasure, we actually rob our selves of the joy God intends for us to experience as we walk through our past, (not around or over it) play with our future and live now with new passion” from Dan B Allender's book “The Healing Path”

Everyone has their own wilderness and at times in our lives it is imperative that we go there. The place where we can wander and rediscover who we really are. Initially I felt so incredibly lost in my wilderness, but soon it became a place of healing. My wilderness consisted of a few different physical places. Places where I could be what ever I was feeling that day. One of my favourite places in my wilderness were the endless railway tracks starting 10 minutes North West from where I live. I would put in my headphones and just let the music wash over me, and I would walk, dance, run down the tracks. I would laugh, I would hope, I would dream, and I would cry. In this wilderness I was free.  I was being unmade. I needed to be. I discovered so many things about myself there. A place where it was just me. Another place which became a comfort to me is a small bar and grill where friends are in abundant and I got to forget about what I was going through for an evening , where I learned to laugh again, and was always accepted where ever I was at in my journey... and for that I will be forever grateful... Another favourite place was road 432 not really a wilderness. Every Saturday in the early mornings it became my sanctuary... I would park my car... and walk 4 miles one way and 4 miles back... Music pumping..I was able to have a long conversation with Papa, and when I got home... without fail I felt refreshed and rescued.

“And now, here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to start all over again. I’m taking her back out into the wilderness where we had our first date, and I’ll court her.I’ll give her bouquets of roses. I’ll turn Heartbreak Valley into Acres of Hope”. Hosea 2:14-15(a) Message

Your wilderness changes you. And it grows you IF you let it. I ran into Jesus in my wilderness, everyday.... and that is where my healing began.. . When wandering in our wilderness we will meet up with the damage of our past. It wasn't fun and some days it hurt like hell. But we all need to be “Unmade” at some point in our lives. There is a real beauty in the breaking of us. For me healing is worth the pain of being broken. Don't be afraid to wander... the Wilderness sounds scary and disconnected... and it can be, –but only if you are afraid of change and what you might discover about yourself. So just take Papa's hand, He will wander with you. And remember this is but a season.

Watch for a Blog entry coming up in the near future  “Restored and Rescued: The coming back...

Excerpts from my Journal-2015

Excerpts from my Journal-2015

Aug 15 -Being Still: As I was fasting.. Jesus pressed it upon me that I needed to be still. And God asking me to be still is like me asking a 2 year old to be still... Next to impossible.. Glad He knows He has His work cut out for Him. But He is my Papa and the love of my life... He told me that my journey would be hard and promised that He would never leave me.... 

John 7:38 – He who believes in Me, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water... Oh I love Life... 

Aug 19, - And Jesus says wait... and I don't want to. See I even know how to sound like a kid. Jesus thank you for the friends in my life that make me laugh, The people in my life that cause my heart to grow. My best friends that challenge me, and keep my head screwed on straight lol. My heart belongs to You Lord.

Aug 27 - As I am going through the phases of my divorce... there are people on all sides trying to fix me... and right now I don't need fixing.. I need to wander in my own wilderness... and Jesus will meet me there... to walk and talk like the good friends that we are.

Isaiah 43:1-2a Since you are precious in My sight, you have been honored, and I have Loved you. Therefore I will give people for your life.... Aaaah WOW....

Aug 29, My heart is still... and oh the peace...A season of peace and rest...Jesus said to me “Trust Me and My peace will encompass you” Make Me First – I heard this song on the radio.. and it really spoke to me heart

Lauren Dagle: “First”

Before I bring my need I will bring my heart.

Before I lift my cares I will lift my arms... I want to know You... FIRST

Aug 31, Today I ask Papa what He saw when He looked at me... Beauty.. and the righteousness of God! Permanent smile on my face... 

Dec 19 - I do not like to feel my feelings. But... feeling my feelings when I am with my best friend is safe... It doesn't matter what I am feeling I am just able to feel without judgement.. with out the threat of being rejected. Thank you for being a part of my life and allowing me to be a part of yours and for just "being" with me. 

Don't let your circumstances dictate your attitude! Amen.

THE WARRIOR INSIDE

What is a Warrior !

A Warrior is that person who gets up. Despite of what is knocking them down, a person who trusts that the victory is there even when it isn't visible. Believes and trusts the miracle that she is waiting for is there because the God of Angel Armies is Alive and living inside her... A warrior is someone who knows that the fight is not their own and will allow another to come along side and fight with them...

Deflecting... one of my closest friends would tell you that I am a master.... but calls me on it every time. And I have come to realize that it takes the courage of a warrior to be brave enough to allow themselves to feel..

So talking to my Papa is not something that is new to me.. I pull out a chair and He sits down and has breakfast with me... Every morning my journal entry starts like this “Good Morning Jesus I Love You” on this particular morning after I had started that sentence... I heard Him ... “Martha put the pen down and look at Me” He wanted to be invited to “see me” And when I allowed Him to see me. I felt this over whelming powerful love. A love that was so deep... I felt Him smile, I felt His joy. I felt His satisfaction in the way He created me. Isaiah 53:11- “After He has suffered, He will see the light of life and be satisfied”, And I cried, which seems like a normal thing these days – to which my counselor would offer what I think is a sadist smile...LOL. It is good to feel my feelings... and the feelings of God. .

Papa You are the Warrior inside of me.....