INVISIBLE

INVISIBLE

One of the deepest pains, confusing feelings, and false sense of safety comes from feeling “Invisible-not being seen” When I think about this I cry... It hurts.

Being married for 25 years, and always longing to be seen. Yet completely invisible to the person who said “I love you” and had promised to “Love” me for the rest of my life. Isn't “seeing” me a part of loving me? Eventually I got used to not being seen and had learned to shut out my dreams, and my deepest desires. I wanted him to look past my words to my heart. To see me. I wanted to be loved when I felt unlovable, when I felt awkward, when I danced like an idiot and laughed at the most inappropriate things. I hated feeling invisible.

To cope with feeling invisible I crawled inside a great love story, either a book or a movie, where “she” was always seen, never invisible.  The pain was too much to face. Hiding was so much easier. I have started reading books that help me work through my pain, my emotions, and instead of hiding I am allowing myself to feel and to be seen by those around me. Exposing my heart.

I borrowed a book from a friend call “Shattered Dreams” by Larry Crabb, a great read. But when I first got the book – I couldn't get past the second page of the introduction. There were several times where I contemplated burning it. But it wasn't mine! It took me two weeks to get past that. Every time I read the words “God wants to Bless us” that meant me... I would just break down and cry, I just couldn't seem to wrap my heart around that. Not just any blessing but because He is my Papa He gives me His highest good. And that is an encounter, a relationship, a friendship with Him... No matter what He will always “see” me. He delights in me. He sees the deepest part of me, the part that I am too afraid to show someone else. And knowing that I am not invisible to my Father makes me lift my hands in praise. Makes me fall to my knees in awe and adoration. Like a child I jump for joy with tears streaming down my face because He has given me the blessing of seeing me, and loving all of me all the time. 

Then I said to myself, “Oh, He even sees me in the dark! Psalm 139:12(a) Msg

Feeling invisible hurts. But Papa sees you. He loves all of you... Let him. When you do, your tears of pain will still be tears – but tears of adoration, of awe and of wonder.