Broken to be made Whole - Ruined to be Redeemed

Broken to be made Whole – Ruined to be Redeemed

Make me to hear joy and gladness, Let the bones which You have broken rejoice. Psalm 51:8

Sunday Feb 14, - as I sat in church... singing “Holy, Holy Holy, hands outstretched. My inner spirit groaned, and God showed me a picture of a man broken... wanting to be healed and yet holding on. The struggle is so real. Letting go is so hard.

Being broken is crippling.. But it is often during this time that we feel most alive to life. In 2003 I remember taking a course in prayer ministry. During this course I had to be willing to allow God to shine His flashlight around in my heart.. And yet He knew that I wasn't ready for my deepest pain. I still don't feel prepared to face it. The pain of violation of a trust broken. And yet He is using this brokenness to make me whole. Today I feel like I am a broken ruined vase. Something that should hold beauty but is incapable of doing so. I know that God is calling me closer preparing me to face it and I am terrified. Even as I write these words I have feelings of anxiety of what happens if I say the actual words.

But I trust my Papa...in all things or in most things Don't I ? And yet if I say I trust Him why do I not want Him to shine His light in that one dark place. Because Letting go is hard and sometimes I am just not ready.

He led me here and there throughout the valley, and I was amazed to see that the surface of the entire valley was covered with myriads of very dry bones! This is what the Lord GOD says to you dry bones! "Pay attention! I'm bringing my Spirit into you right now, and you're going to live! I will put flesh and muscles on you and cover you with skin. I will put breath into you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.” Ezekiel 37: 2, 5 & 6

I have prayed so much to be made whole. I just didn't know that what I was praying for would lead me on this excruciating and difficult path of healing. I didn't know how much pain there was going to be, to go from being “Ruined to being Redeemed”. People that know me will say this one thing about me “She is not afraid of doing hard things” I was talking to my counselor and told him “I just want to go there get it healed and move on”. He looked at me and said “God won't violate your heart Martha”. What I didn't understand was why it was that I wanted it to be done and over with. And God used him to give me a revelation. “Your heart tells you that people won't stay in your life long enough to have a real relationship with you” And when I realized how true this was, it shattered my heart. And once again I was broken. Broken so that God could answer my prayer to be made whole.

This morning as I sat in my kitchen having coffee with Papa.. I was praying deeply for a friend. And once again the Spirit groaned and the tears flowed. I knew that I was feeling the feelings of God.

I have met so many broken people in my life, some of them have become my closest friends. It amazes me how people who are broken cling to each other and how the smallest victory in a struggle of one is able to encourage the heart of someone else. As I go through various valleys of dry bones and ruins of my life, I have stopped praying that God would give me constant reprieve, My prayer is this -  that God would strengthen the inner most part of who I am, and that I would be filled with ALL the fullness of God. And knowing that as long as I am struggling with God I am passionately engaged in this journey called life.