Stained Glass

 I saw you today, through eyes that were different, through a heart that is constantly healing, I saw the beauty of you, I saw your pain, I saw your longing and desire, 

This weekend I went to a “Deeply Devoted event” in a church that I hadn’t been to since my separation and divorce. But it used to be home,  I was so triggered and when I ask God what I was feeling - the word “failure” just stood out. Context- This had to do with my ex, when we were still together there was event where the church made the decision to ask him to step down from an active role in the church, and as I was in a role similar, I decided to step down as well. 

God what is the lie I am believing - “you walked out on church, the ministry, and then it settled on this one statement “you walked out on you” on what you loved and were passionate about. I felt like I had walked out on God. 

As I allowed myself to feel everything that came with this, and allowed God’s grace to cover me, I asked God for the truth.  “I love you, where ever you walk Martha I am there, You already know that you are not a failure”

God I feel like you have removed a blockage in my life that I didn’t know was there. I feel like I can breathe again, I love the realness of you God, I love how straight forward you are, and I also love that you are gentle at the same time. 

And Then the Dream 

I didn’t go to bed super late, but I had this dream 

There was large group of people including a dear friend, we were attending an academy of sorts,  my friend was sitting one row back to my right. There was a woman with blond hair, she was trying to get my friend kicked out of this class, so she took our identity cards, (they looked like drivers license but they weren’t) she took mine along with a few others which included my friend. I saw where she put them so I snuck them back, I just took two and without looking I put the one in my friends bag. When we were asked to show our identity cards my friend had mine, I wasn’t sure how that happened. But it was made light of and everyone had a good laugh. It was when my friend gave me my ID back it wasn’t the plastic ID that I had placed in the bag, It was this beautiful opaque green stained glass piece of art, a bunch of cracked pieces soldered together in a work of art.  I woke up sobbing 

The next morning God showed me that what my friend handed back to me was my true identity, 

So yes today I saw you with new eyes, you are so beautiful, you are so loved. Keep walking further up and further in. 

God may I always allow you to affect my atmosphere. 

Losing Myself "Again"

Losing myself again

Today as I sit here... I wonder how it happened "again"... I feel like have lost myself again, like I have let life consume me, How do I balance it all? How do I live one day at a time. I moved this year and my house and life feel completely out of sync and chaotic.

Jesus please give me peace in this chaos - I have no inspiration to write. I know that I am supposed to write a book. And I really want to. but I don't know where to start, and instead of trusting God I just sit here frozen. filling my life up with other things. Band aids - distractions from the journey that God has for me. I know I heard Him say "write a book"  so why is it that I just can't seem to find the words to start.. to share myself.

And the words I heard are " you are afraid of both failing and succeeding" and this book isn't for anyone but Him... So I want to write - but there is this show on Netflix and I am all caught up in the drama of it.... and so the story goes. And so the time wastes away.

"Forgiving the unforgivable" the person that was supposed to be my best friend wasn't. And with all the lies and deceit I don't know how to forgive right now. and maybe I feel justified in not forgiving. but in all of that I miss her so much. we were like sisters or so I thought - I had heard things but I decided not to look through the glasses of her past. But I wish I had guarded my heart... but what of being brave enough to be vulnerable. God why couldn't I see my reaction to the deceit. So I shared some things that she didn't want to have shared. And in finding out instead of working through things - and talking to me - the venom poured from her heart in a text to me. And she cut me completely from her life. And I guess the unwillingness to work things through hurts the most. I thought I meant something to her. It really hurts to know that she doesn't value me enough to work things through. And she never has, and the thing is others that she has been friends with in the past warned me about this. "She will throw you under the bus Martha" they said. "she just uses people" the only reason she is your friend is for what she can get from it. when she has no one in her life she needs you but as soon as there is a guy in her life she will ditch you" but I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to believe it. I am not sure where in her life it started that she needed to start protecting herself- what she did that she had to make herself feel better so that she couldn't feel the pain of her choices, and yet the choices haven't changed at all.

Jesus....Please show show her that despite all of her life choices that you love her.  Jesus please show me how to live from the bottom up... from my heart and soul to my head. Not from my head to my heart. Lord as You call me to walk on the ocean, I choose to believe that the water will hold me up.

The Chair with the Three Black Buttons

The Chair with the Three Black Buttons

I sit here on my sofa, gazing across the living room, a friend had dropped by earlier and we talked about getting off the wheel, the cycle that so many of us find ourselves on.  With being OK with or without others in our lives, it has been a year of learning, of growth, but the real revelation came today.

“You are still on the wheel, she said, you wouldn’t be talking about it, you wouldn’t be reasoning with it if you weren’t.

 As I heard myself arguing with her I knew that I was.  She left, and the house was quite.  My mind was not, there seemed to be noise everywhere and none of it made any sense.  I sat down on my couch and closed my eyes and determinedly quieted my mind.  As I opened my eyes and my mind, and my heart, I saw the chair across the room, and noticed that it only had three black buttons.  There was a divot in the fabric with the fourth button was missing. Then I heard His voice… “You have let me into every area of your life, but that one.”  He used that missing black button to show me all that follows.

I asked Papa, where all of this was coming from, the fear, and anxiety I knew it was my ego. A few things came into view as I closed my eyes and prayed.  I asked God to show me “why do I feel so stuck?” Why does it feel like I can not get out of this perpetual cycle that I am in?  Picture after picture travelled through my mind, some in focus and some not. Pictures of mostly men that had come and gone from my life, because I was struggling with the most recent break up, which was two years ago.  And why is it so hard to let go.  God used that to show me the root of my pain.

God:  “it isn’t him, it is all men that you seek the approval of, because you feel like you never got the approval of your dad, that you so deeply desired, remember when you worked for him, the only words that you seem to remember are “how dumb can you get” I know that you worked through that, I know that you know that you are smart.”

So what was it that was still blocking my path to getting and staying off the wheel, out of the cycle that seemly had become my life.  I kept my mind and my heart completely open, and allowed the light to shine around the innermost part of me like a flashlight lighting the corners of my soul that seemed dark and broken.

2 affairs in the first 10 years of my marriage, divorced for 5 and now 21 years later, God wants to open my eyes and heal my heart.  And I am ready.  My dad had passed on about 17 years ago. But never forgave me.  It seemed to me that he still didn’t approve.  As he lay dying in the hospital I watched him choose my then husband over me, his daughter  and I so much wanted him to approve of me.

I drew a blank when I thought about why – If I could accept that God loved me, that He thought I was beautiful, that he forgave me, for all my sin,  why was it then that I couldn’t seem to give Him permission to approve of me? 

I sat there in a puddle of tears, and I forgave my earthly father,  my ex husband, but mostly myself for not allowing God to approve of me.

I closed my eyes and I saw all the ways that God approved of me,   the lie that I believed was that my dad didn’t approve, a lie that the enemy planted a long time ago.  Then I asked “what is the truth Jesus?”  And He replied “You are Whole”.  

 Now as I sit across from the chair with the three black buttons, it is a significant reminder to allow God permission to access the deepest part of who I am.   It tells a part of a story, my story.  

We all have spaces in our souls, our hearts, in which we don’t believe that we are worthy of Papa’s approval or for Him to be a part of that place in our lives.  But that is what He wants.  He is asking for permission to tell you that “You are Whole”

IN JARS OF TEARS

In Jars of Tears-

You have taken note of my journey through life,
caught each of my tears in Your bottle.... Psalm 56:8(a)

Sometimes I wonder, do my tears really get collected? Does Papa really save them all? And does He have a different Jar for each type of tear, tears of hurt, tears of stress, tears of conviction, tears of joy, my tears when I am overwhelmed or when I am worshiping Him? Or the tears that fall when I don't even know the reason I am crying? Ever since I have allowed myself to feel, I cry a lot, almost everyday, some days it is buckets, sometimes the tears just fall like a gentle soothing rain, and other times I am sobbing.

Today is one of those days- Heart wrenching convicting tears. I learned a hard thing about myself... This week I have learned the extent of my trust... and it seems that it is non existent when it comes to friendships/relationships. Right now I feel like I am free falling and completely out of control. I don't like the fact that I need someone and in the same breath I really want someone. The words “I made you for connection” ringing in my ears- I am trying not to hate myself for it. But that is hard. I have people saying that I can do hard things... But I don't think I can do this... Jesus please help me. My heart is gripped with fear inside me. Jesus where are you? I am tired of trusting in my own abilities... But I find it so hard to give it to Him... How is it that I can trust Him with so much but not this? What happens when I decide to trust Him? I don't know... I just know that I have to. And just that thought alone makes me come undone. I have been sitting here crying for hours... My jars must be almost full. Because I know that when I say “I surrender all” it means this as well. And everything in me is fighting it.

All to Jesus I surrender... All to Him I freely??? Give... It is a fight – I don't think we know how to give freely into our Father... But Papa I do surrender all to you! I am exhausted the fight in me is gone... And peace has taken it's place.

As I sit here with my head in my Father's lap... He holds me... I feel His hand on my head.. He knows it is hard, But He will never leave me. He will never forsake me. I have peace.. It will be an everyday struggle for a while. But as time goes on... I know it will get easier.

Now as I look through my jars of tears... I think the ones I have cried the most... are the places in my life where I needed to be broken,,, So that HE could re-shape me.

AWAKE MY HEART

A Heart Awake…

A while back I prayed God “what am I”, “who am I”. and “What and who are You”?  I had been struggling with my emotions. I guess that is what happens when you are 90% sanguine.  I was led to read the book of Proverbs and I learned much about “Wisdom” it was something I truly wanted to learn, although others wouldn’t say I was reacting out of my emotions I was tired of wanting to. Every day I would read one chapter and I would write down a minimal of one verse. I was kind of sad when I had finished. As I love learning and putting that into practice.

I asked God what was next.  I struggled with the whole thing of being beautiful, And Days like today… found me wondering, will I ever hear those words. Words that every woman wants to hear a man say to her “You are beautiful” and not just from anyone, but from someone who cares deeply, lately I have started to feel otherwise. In a crowded room, I feel invisible… not beautiful… I know I am smart and I come across as confident – at least “my public face” … but I also want to hear those words, “You are beautiful” and more than anything I want to know that they are true.

God directed me to the “Song of Solomon” talk about having desire awakened in me. WOW. But in all of that “He told me I was “beautiful”, and He called me “darling” – “How beautiful you are my darling, beautiful beyond words”- “your voice is pleasant and your face is lovely” – “Your eyes are like doves” - “Your lips are like scarlet ribbon your mouth is inviting” I learned of “Beauty, Sensuality and what being Sexy looks like… I loved and embraced it.

Today He directed me to read the book of “Acts” to learn about “Power” and as He showed me the path that He was taking me on -  God rendered me speechless. He knows that is not easily accomplished LOL - When He revealed to me the lethal combination of “Wisdom, Beauty, and Power” All in and through Him… It gave new meaning to the Acts 17:28 “For in Him we live and move and have our being! Wow it sent shivers down my spine. I was completely unable to utter a word.  And I just sat there and smiled at Him, with “lips like a scarlet ribbon and so inviting” as He says. With wonder, amazement and tears of joy, rolling down my cheeks. 

Daddy Teach Me How to Dance Again.

  

Every child wants to dance with their Daddy…

I prayed “Daddy teach me how to dance again” I closed my eyes and saw this picture of a child being picked up in her Father’s arms, as she was still learning to walk and was constantly falling when she tried to dance, her eyes are closed and her trust in Him complete. He lifted her high, He twirled her around, making her laugh in pure delight. It brought Him so much pleasure so see her this way, completely one with Him. Then as she grew and wanted to dance on the floor she starts by clumsily stepping on her daddy’s feet, never letting go of His hands and always allowing Him to lead.

There are so many things that seem to distract us from our true life dance partner, dancing to beat of our own drum or the even the drum of someone else.  We use phrases like “Life happened” or “Life got in the way” or “I just wanted to have some fun” and most commonly used lately “I deserve to be happy” and when we pursue what we call life we let go of the One who taught us how to dance in the first place.  That is what happens when we stop listening to the music! We try to take the lead and get lost,

When we walk with someone, there isn’t much interaction. You walk side by side maybe hand in hand, maybe in deep conversation. But when you are dancing, you are moving together, synchronized and balanced creating a harmony so beautiful unlike any you have ever experienced. Our relationship with God needs to be more of a dance than a walk. Following His lead… sometimes a slow dance, and sometimes a salsa. He moves, we move,  He steps, we step, Dancing requires us to trust our dancing partner..  and in a giving and receiving relationship it creates a life dance that leads others to see His glory, I want to dance again…and not just move to my own music but to His.  I want others to see His glory in the way I live, the way I love and the way I step

Life is a beautiful dance,

Sometimes we take a misstep,

But we can always find “His” feet again

Don't Try To Fix Me - You Aren't God...

Don’t try to fix me- you aren’t God

He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

There are times and people in our lives, where pain has come from, they so much want to make things right, to restore the damaged that they have done, I know I was one of those people. The initial pain that I caused didn’t come close to the pain that I caused trying to restore the heart…

The worst part of this all was the angst that we feel during this time, the tears that we cry. The turmoil we feel to the depths of our souls… knowing we have hurt someone and made them feel unsafe, we feel this desperate need to make things right. So we run ahead of the Holy Spirit and seemingly make a bigger mess of things than they were. Or we try to be a band-aide just because then things are right in our world again. I have been on both sides of this. And I remember saying “don’t try to fix me” I am not broken. I am hurt. Please let me heal.

But it hurts so much to know that we can’t undo the pain that we have caused. Finally I said I am sorry please forgive me and let go. I don’t know if my friendship will ever be restored, I am leaving all of that in the hands of my Papa. I do know that I was blessed with an amazing friendship... And for that I will forever be grateful!

Father You are the restorer of our hearts. You are healer.

Please bind up the wounds that we have caused.

Heal the places where we can never reach