Don't Try To Fix Me - You Aren't God...

Don’t try to fix me- you aren’t God

He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

There are times and people in our lives, where pain has come from, they so much want to make things right, to restore the damaged that they have done, I know I was one of those people. The initial pain that I caused didn’t come close to the pain that I caused trying to restore the heart…

The worst part of this all was the angst that we feel during this time, the tears that we cry. The turmoil we feel to the depths of our souls… knowing we have hurt someone and made them feel unsafe, we feel this desperate need to make things right. So we run ahead of the Holy Spirit and seemingly make a bigger mess of things than they were. Or we try to be a band-aide just because then things are right in our world again. I have been on both sides of this. And I remember saying “don’t try to fix me” I am not broken. I am hurt. Please let me heal.

But it hurts so much to know that we can’t undo the pain that we have caused. Finally I said I am sorry please forgive me and let go. I don’t know if my friendship will ever be restored, I am leaving all of that in the hands of my Papa. I do know that I was blessed with an amazing friendship... And for that I will forever be grateful!

Father You are the restorer of our hearts. You are healer.

Please bind up the wounds that we have caused.

Heal the places where we can never reach

I DON'T TRUST YOU!

Trust Me (the Lord) with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding…. Proverbs 3:5

It is amazing how I have always said, “well God has never let me down yet so I know I can trust Him”, the other day it came to me, I was praying and this question came "What if God doesn’t answer the way I want Him to?” It was like this light came on in me “well then I will just have to do it myself” It was at that moment, I realized my lack of trust and I said the words out loud and in tears “God I don’t trust You - I want to but I don’t”… I was horrified at the thought. And yet it was the most honest thing I could have said – the first step to building trust in any relationship is honesty. I saw the places where I tried to manipulate God into answering prayers the way I wanted them answered. The places where I stepped ahead of Him, and tried to do things my way. (it never worked out in the end) And I thought wow I am such a schmuck… God smiled.

I prayed this song back in December. And it sounds wonderful but when I got to the edge of my borders, I realized how safe my borders feel to me. Without borders, really is it possible to trust God that much? Do I really know what it might take to trust without borders? Am I ready for that journey? Slowly I am allowing the spirit to lead me where my trust in Him is being tested. He is faithful. Every day is a small step. Sometimes it is a step forward and sometimes a step backwards… but as the days pass I am learning to trust. Not to make decisions based on emotion but out of wisdom and understanding. It isn't easy... Opening up my borders... Trusting God beyond my comfort zones.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. 

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

Oh, Jesus, You’re my God

I will call upon Your name

Keep my eyes above the waves

My soul will rest in Your embrace

I am Yours and You are mine. - Hillsong

TAKE OFF YOUR TARP- YOUR ROOF IS WORTH FIXING

Wisdom and good judgment live together, for wisdom knows where to discover knowledge and understanding. Proverbs 8:12

So… about the tarp… You own a house, over time the roof gets damaged. Instead of fixing it right you throw a tarp on it to keep the rain out. Maybe you change it every three – 6 months depending on the weather. You discard the old and replace it when a storm comes and blows the old one off as it exposes the damage. Or when the sun shines you don’t need it.

Your HEART is the ROOF, when it was damaged, early on you learned to cover the damage using women/men, and whatever validates you as a tarp. You went through life got married, the storms came and went. The roof held up ok for a while. But after a while… the damage to the roof needed to be repaired but that was a lot of work and the cost seemed too great so you covered it. You met someone and had an affair. The first tarp in your marriage that was personalized. You not only had to cover the wound, you also had to hide the sin, You felt guilt and shame, so you removed that tarp and discarded it, hurting someone in the process. You covered up your roof with a different tarp, work, busyness, trips and material things… hoping that would be enough to make the guilt and shame go away. So it seems the sun is shining. And you no longer need a tarp. Then a storm hits, this time accompanied by a tornado… your spouse has an affair, your marriage is falling apart, and you start desperately searching for a new tarp. And you look everywhere. You like to learn, and think that reading books will help you, a different kind of tarp but a tarp none the less. You pursue God using Him as a tarp as well. Then you meet a group of people, and get close to some of them, you have people and leadership skills and in your pain you reach out and it feels good to help/counsel others and you use them as a tarp, and once again the damage is hidden. All of a sudden you realize your tarp is too flimsy, you want one that has more substance more connection, stronger, deeper. You take the flimsy tarp off and throw it away. Hurting yourself and others in the process. The stronger tarp though. Well wow, that tarp stays for almost 6 months. The tarp gets comfortable, it feels safe. Initially it is refreshing... But as time goes on the weight of this tarp starts to get to be too much, it is weighing down on the festering damage of your roof. You lift the edge of the tarp. But the tarp is stuck, stuck to your wounds, stuck to you. Then a tsunami hits, you lose your job. And with that the tarp gets yanked right off and once again discarded, but not completely, you fold it up and put it away. Your next tarp? Exercise, Alcohol, pornography, more busyness, shopping? You have a new job, meet another special woman someone who is using you as their tarp… and you are using them …another bright and shiny new tarp. And so the cycle continues.

If you don’t transform, your suffering will transmit it – Richard Rohr

Taking off our tarps and fixing the damage comes with a cost. The cost of revisiting pain, of choosing not a tarp but an Almighty construction crew, “Father, Son and Holy Spirit”. Wanting a tarp so desperately at times because the pain just seems too much. But the more times we choose our Almighty construction crew, the more we see the actual cost of the tarp, we see that a Tarp is actually a short term -T-oxic, A-cid, R-elief P-rogram. And not a permanent repair. And the cost of each TARP becomes greater than the last.

God can heal a broken heart… but He has to have all the pieces - Anonymous

My prayer is this - that you have the courage to remove your tarps, “Your Roof is Worth Fixing”. The Almighty Construction Crew is waiting… and the price of the repair has already been paid.

Longings - The Third Layer

The Third Layer

Ask and it will be given to you....

I asked God to give me the courage to be unveiled. The first layer just an onion skin, revealed an abyss of “Sadness and Fear”.

The second layer revealed a depth of “Shame” that I had never encountered before.

But I want to talk about the third layer: Seems harder than the first two.

The third layer revealed “Longings and Desires”

My greatest longing at this time in my life. To play :)

Revelation 3:20, “Behold He stands at the door and knock” it is always said in such an ominous tone. Right now I hear Jesus knocking and asking “won't you come and play with me”? I am a child after all. His child. The sad thing for me is I am not sure I know how to articulate that. But I know the desire is there. I can remember playing with my own dad, camping, singing, going for walks, travelling, playing Frisbee. I loved to play catch with a Frisbee when I was a kid, and I was good at it. I loved and still love to laugh. But somehow between the pain, the sadness, and fear, the shame, the anger, I seemed to have lost that. Play seems to have been perverted... somehow satan has set us on a course of confusion of what play looks like. It is like no matter what I do... and it is fun at the time. I sense a shame of enjoying myself. And I know that, that isn't God. He had fun. He knows what He likes to do for fun.

I have watched little children and their imagination. It is amazing what the purity of a child's imagination can come up with. If we as adults came up with some of those things, we would be told that, that's child's play, precisely. We are still children, so why are we acting all growed up all the time. When I read the lyrics of this song I envision God and a little girl, walking through the woods, holding hands, talking and laughing. Watching butterflies, and smelling flowers, catching frogs, throwing rocks in a pond, sitting and playing on a log. And as they walk along God hoists her over obstacles that are too high for her climb over on her own. She is happy... the only things she cares about is that she is there, and her Fathers heart is just for her...

“My God and I walk in the fields together,

We walk and talk and just as good friends do

We clasp our hands, our voices fill with laughter

My God and I walk through the meadows hue....”

And then I envision me, my age, skipping along the railway tracks, dancing and singing, with my God. Walking laughing and still finding delight in the butterflies, and wild flowers, the frogs, and the ponds, and God is still hoisting me over the obstacles of life, the stuff that is too hard, to high to climb over. Making sure I learn to keep playing. The tears are rolling down my cheeks, as I learn to enjoy and “know” that my Fathers heart is just for me.

UNVEILED

“UNVEILED”

“I am the Lord, that is My name. And I will not give my glory to another” Isaiah 42:8

Last week, I allowed the enemy to wreak havoc with my heart and mind, the verses from

Psalm 73: 21-24 comes to mind, My heart was grieved, and I was vexed in my mind, I was so foolish and ignorant, I was like a beast before You, Nevertheless, I am continually with You, You hold me by my right hand, You guide me with Your counsel...

I wish I wasn't so vulnerable to the attack of the enemy

I was reminded that we are created in the image of God, and we have a glorious God... I know it might be hard to wrap your head around, it is for me. But I was told Martha.. you ARE the Glory of God....

We try so hard to be what and who we think God wants us to be. Instead of just being, we clothe ourselves in different character traits, because that might make a more godly woman/man, and when that doesn't work, we try something else, we work out, we eat healthy - because after all our bodies are the temple of God. (And I do agree with being healthy) We suck it up when something bad happens, we act strong, we don't swear, we do this and don't do that... and slowly but surely layer after layer, the Glory of God is hidden away under all that we think we need to be. He sees us pretending to worship, praising through the storms, when even David accused, ranted and raved at God. David a man after God's own heart was so engaged in his own life that struggling with God was an everyday occurrence. And yet when we struggle we think we are weak, the enemy completely and totally loves this and convinces us not just how we are not measuring up to who and what God wants us to be, but also cheers when we are too afraid to live in God's design. You see God is all about His Glory... He will not give it to another. That means He is all about me, all about you.

So as for me and my house... The unveiling of the Glory of God is a happening thing. Scary and so freeing, what a journey. But I want to be unveiled. No pretense in anyway or anything... just completely naked and completely unveiled... To be what God sees.

So I asked God to peel back the first layer... He did...and all I could see was an abyss filled with sadness and fear. And all I could do was cry. It was like He peeled back death and life combined. And it hurt. But I want it. After all it is what is going to change me. Not re layering but allowing God to reveal and change my heart.

Dear Papa,

Dear Papa, 

I don't know where to start today...

Your love for me.. Although it often surprises me.

It never ceases to amaze me.

Today I cried, because I knew you had laid me on the heart of someone else

I felt You answering their prayer for me. Oh that You love me this deeply.

How You can see the good in me that I can not seem to find.

I love that since I have given up protecting myself,

How much more I can see, and feel Your protection in every area of my life.

I love how You give me days of sunshine, days of rain, fog and even the storms.

I love how You give me the privilege of feeling Your feelings when it comes to others.

Papa, I love the way you hold me.

I love Your eyes, when they look at me, I feel so deeply loved.

Your love is like nothing that can be described,

I absolutely love the fact that You are a part of my DNA,

I love when my eyes are open and I can see You delight in Your creation.

I love the way You made me, to love music, to dance, to love flowers, 

long walks, and wild adventures.

Red wine, Whiskey, and coffee,

Thank You for my love of reading, and learning.

I love when I put my head on Your lap, that I can feel Your hand on my head.

I love that You walk with me, no matter where I go.

I marvel at Your creation, how You made all time, and every season,

How You make it rain, and things grow.

I stand in awe that You smile at some of my acts of stupidity,

Like I do at the children You have blessed me with.

And I love how much You love them.

I love how You make me laugh, and I love to hear Your laughter

I love the things, events, and season of my life that You choose to use to help me grow.

I love that when I fall off the “wagon” You leave me there for a while, but not for very long,

How when I lose sight of myself, You are still right there.

Thank You for every tear that I have had the honor of crying,

For every breath that I have had the privilege of breathing,

For every time I wake up in the morning,

I love how You love TODAY, because yesterday is

already gone, wrapped in grace!

Papa I love you!

LOOKING IN THE MIRROR

Looking in the Mirror-Learning to See

You are hidden with Christ in God, and God is your life" (Colossians 3:3-4).

When I look in the mirror in the bathroom, I see the imperfections of me. When I look at my heart with my own eyes – All I see is my bad choices, stains of sin, regrets of the past, and dirt.

This last week has been a challenge –

I went to a counselling appointment and my counselor really challenged me, We were talking about design and how the world has de-personified the difference between men and women...  Opposed to what it should look like.  I said "I am a very passionate person" and he said Say it ... Give meaning to it Martha - that which is so hard for you to say. So I said "I am a very passionate woman" and then I fell apart... I know what it means to be female "insert here" but I am struggling with what it means to be a woman to live and love by Gods design.

Not the passionate part, but the part of being a woman... Strangely when I thought of myself as a woman - I didn't think of beauty or intelligence or sensuality, but of weakness...

I am learning to look at myself and others with the eyes of God. When I see God and I connect with Him... I see me. Because I am hidden with Christ in God. I see a beautiful, strong, sensual, smart, resolved, compassionate, courageous, adventurous, spontaneous, kind, giving, creative, strong willed, fiercely loyal, beautifully vulnerable, passionate, smart, sexy, fun, carefree, respectful, hard working, focused, driven, positive, content, crazy spicy woman.

When I look in the mirror I realize that my beauty doesn't lie just in what I look like but in the sum of who I am - and I am “Hidden with Christ in God...”

Allow Papa, Father God, to be your mirror. He sees you as you are. Not as you see yourself.