IN JARS OF TEARS

In Jars of Tears-

You have taken note of my journey through life,
caught each of my tears in Your bottle.... Psalm 56:8(a)

Sometimes I wonder, do my tears really get collected? Does Papa really save them all? And does He have a different Jar for each type of tear, tears of hurt, tears of stress, tears of conviction, tears of joy, my tears when I am overwhelmed or when I am worshiping Him? Or the tears that fall when I don't even know the reason I am crying? Ever since I have allowed myself to feel, I cry a lot, almost everyday, some days it is buckets, sometimes the tears just fall like a gentle soothing rain, and other times I am sobbing.

Today is one of those days- Heart wrenching convicting tears. I learned a hard thing about myself... This week I have learned the extent of my trust... and it seems that it is non existent when it comes to friendships/relationships. Right now I feel like I am free falling and completely out of control. I don't like the fact that I need someone and in the same breath I really want someone. The words “I made you for connection” ringing in my ears- I am trying not to hate myself for it. But that is hard. I have people saying that I can do hard things... But I don't think I can do this... Jesus please help me. My heart is gripped with fear inside me. Jesus where are you? I am tired of trusting in my own abilities... But I find it so hard to give it to Him... How is it that I can trust Him with so much but not this? What happens when I decide to trust Him? I don't know... I just know that I have to. And just that thought alone makes me come undone. I have been sitting here crying for hours... My jars must be almost full. Because I know that when I say “I surrender all” it means this as well. And everything in me is fighting it.

All to Jesus I surrender... All to Him I freely??? Give... It is a fight – I don't think we know how to give freely into our Father... But Papa I do surrender all to you! I am exhausted the fight in me is gone... And peace has taken it's place.

As I sit here with my head in my Father's lap... He holds me... I feel His hand on my head.. He knows it is hard, But He will never leave me. He will never forsake me. I have peace.. It will be an everyday struggle for a while. But as time goes on... I know it will get easier.

Now as I look through my jars of tears... I think the ones I have cried the most... are the places in my life where I needed to be broken,,, So that HE could re-shape me.